I am updating what I wrote last night. I came back here just to write what happened. I expected the worst to come out from it. I didn’t hope for anything good to come out from it. I didn’t want to do it at first because I was too nervous and I was scared of rejection. Everything bad came to my mind. All the things that I never imagined came across. I don’t know what to say to him. I wrote a whole speech down on a paper in case my words got lost. I had to wait for him to finish up whatever he was doing. I have won a victory before the question was asked.
Here’s what happened. He called me and I called him back straight after. I told him that I had to tell him something important. More or less ask him something important. I felt so scared to ask him. I didn’t know what to say and I felt too scared to even speak to him casually. My heart beat got faster. In my mind, he was going to hang up the phone as soon as he heard the question. He didn’t make me comfortable enough at first. But soon after, he spoke to me softly and I tried to gather up my guts.
10 minutes after that, the question came out slowly. The answer he gave me was not at all what I expected. I expected more like a no and a hang up. But instead, he kept quiet and let me say what I wanted to say. I told him what my feelings were really. Then slowly he said, he missed all the old times and before he could continue, I interrupted him by saying that. I don’t want it to be like old times. Because old times, I was the only one happy and this time I want both of us to be happy. There were silence for a long period of time until he said, Deena Katrina Marzuki, I still love you.. I was shocked and I broke into tears. Because I haven’t heard that for a long time. When I did hear it, it came to me that I have no wasted my time crying over him all these times.
He told me his feelings about me. He told me that he is not ready for another relationship. I guess I understand what he is trying to say. I don’t think he is ready to be all committed towards me or anything. He wants to have fun. He loves me so much as a friend. And he said if a scale of 1 to 10, he’ll say it’s at the most. I love him dearly too. But I guess in the end, I didn’t really get the answer to my question. He only told me that he loves me and that’s it. I guess that’s enough. I’m sure that he’ll find someone that he’ll be better off with soon. I hope for the best for him and I hope nothing happens to him.
If something ever happens to him, the effect would come to me. I won’t be too happy to know it. I want him to know that I’ll always be right here waiting for him. There are more to the story but I am just not in the mood to say because I am too caught up with my history.
-dkm
