Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, May 05, 2008
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
These are his confessions!
I am updating what I wrote last night. I came back here just to write what happened. I expected the worst to come out from it. I didn’t hope for anything good to come out from it. I didn’t want to do it at first because I was too nervous and I was scared of rejection. Everything bad came to my mind. All the things that I never imagined came across. I don’t know what to say to him. I wrote a whole speech down on a paper in case my words got lost. I had to wait for him to finish up whatever he was doing. I have won a victory before the question was asked.
Here’s what happened. He called me and I called him back straight after. I told him that I had to tell him something important. More or less ask him something important. I felt so scared to ask him. I didn’t know what to say and I felt too scared to even speak to him casually. My heart beat got faster. In my mind, he was going to hang up the phone as soon as he heard the question. He didn’t make me comfortable enough at first. But soon after, he spoke to me softly and I tried to gather up my guts.
10 minutes after that, the question came out slowly. The answer he gave me was not at all what I expected. I expected more like a no and a hang up. But instead, he kept quiet and let me say what I wanted to say. I told him what my feelings were really. Then slowly he said, he missed all the old times and before he could continue, I interrupted him by saying that. I don’t want it to be like old times. Because old times, I was the only one happy and this time I want both of us to be happy. There were silence for a long period of time until he said, Deena Katrina Marzuki, I still love you.. I was shocked and I broke into tears. Because I haven’t heard that for a long time. When I did hear it, it came to me that I have no wasted my time crying over him all these times.
He told me his feelings about me. He told me that he is not ready for another relationship. I guess I understand what he is trying to say. I don’t think he is ready to be all committed towards me or anything. He wants to have fun. He loves me so much as a friend. And he said if a scale of 1 to 10, he’ll say it’s at the most. I love him dearly too. But I guess in the end, I didn’t really get the answer to my question. He only told me that he loves me and that’s it. I guess that’s enough. I’m sure that he’ll find someone that he’ll be better off with soon. I hope for the best for him and I hope nothing happens to him.
If something ever happens to him, the effect would come to me. I won’t be too happy to know it. I want him to know that I’ll always be right here waiting for him. There are more to the story but I am just not in the mood to say because I am too caught up with my history.
-dkm
Here’s what happened. He called me and I called him back straight after. I told him that I had to tell him something important. More or less ask him something important. I felt so scared to ask him. I didn’t know what to say and I felt too scared to even speak to him casually. My heart beat got faster. In my mind, he was going to hang up the phone as soon as he heard the question. He didn’t make me comfortable enough at first. But soon after, he spoke to me softly and I tried to gather up my guts.
10 minutes after that, the question came out slowly. The answer he gave me was not at all what I expected. I expected more like a no and a hang up. But instead, he kept quiet and let me say what I wanted to say. I told him what my feelings were really. Then slowly he said, he missed all the old times and before he could continue, I interrupted him by saying that. I don’t want it to be like old times. Because old times, I was the only one happy and this time I want both of us to be happy. There were silence for a long period of time until he said, Deena Katrina Marzuki, I still love you.. I was shocked and I broke into tears. Because I haven’t heard that for a long time. When I did hear it, it came to me that I have no wasted my time crying over him all these times.
He told me his feelings about me. He told me that he is not ready for another relationship. I guess I understand what he is trying to say. I don’t think he is ready to be all committed towards me or anything. He wants to have fun. He loves me so much as a friend. And he said if a scale of 1 to 10, he’ll say it’s at the most. I love him dearly too. But I guess in the end, I didn’t really get the answer to my question. He only told me that he loves me and that’s it. I guess that’s enough. I’m sure that he’ll find someone that he’ll be better off with soon. I hope for the best for him and I hope nothing happens to him.
If something ever happens to him, the effect would come to me. I won’t be too happy to know it. I want him to know that I’ll always be right here waiting for him. There are more to the story but I am just not in the mood to say because I am too caught up with my history.
-dkm
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
everyday thingg...
Another day has passed by but this time things are getting a little better for me. I’m going to have that special someone. I’m going to feel the rush in my body again of chasing a guy and having to become so shy around him. I want to tell the whole world that I am over Izzat and it took me exactly 3 months and 4 days. I guess that’s pretty alright for a first love thing.
I found out that he sort of ran away from home again. I hope the mum realizes at the fact that this time, he didn’t do it for me or with me. I mean, all these time she’s been saying that I’ve been corrupting her son and so on. I proved everyone in his family wrong. Good things do come for you when you just wait for it. I am so happy that it happened. I got a bit worried for him though. I maybe over him but it’s a definite fact that I still love him dearly. Soft pot for him is a guaranteed in my heart.
I have a boyfriend which I don’t really adore so I figured maybe right now is not the right time to have a fixed or permanent boyfriend. I want a guy to be by my side to comfort me at the times I need him but not all the time. I don’t want any commitment to be going on right now. My exams are so close and I need to finish up. Maybe after that, I’ll open up my eyes to go look for someone out there who’ll treat me better.
2 weeks ago I met another guy named alang at hartamas. We were all having really late supper before the love of my life (mareez) went back to England. As I sat there being the only girl, I watched everyone around me being drunk. Knowing me, I don’t drink. Well not all the time, maybe for some occasions. So as I sat there observing everyones’ move I turned to the front and I saw one of our friend came towards us. He brought he so called little brother with him. I stared at him and he was kind of cute. On that day itself I didn’t concentrate on him that much due to the reason that the love of my life was present there as well. So my focus went more to mareez then anyone on that table.
After mareez left, it was the same thing for me again. One day I started thinking about the alang guy and it was a coincidence that I was browsing through my photos and found him in the picture with beng chye. I looked and tried to just remember how he looked like. I was infactuated at the fact that he was so quiet and he had a great smile.
Now, all my friends are hooking me up with him. I feel really shy. I want to call him but I don’t have the guts too. Before I do get any further, I want to find out whether a chance between izzat and I still exist. If it really doesn’t, then maybe I’ll go for this guy. I want to get to know him first and see how well I can communicate with him. Apparently, he’s not fluent with his English and because of that, I’m not very fond of him. I am dying to call him though. I need someone to motivate me. I have enough motivation from mishal, ahnand and beng chye but that’s it. I am still so malu.. It’s so annoying but I am glad that I get to feel this way again…
Right now, as I type this down I’m going to ask Izzat for the last time whether I do or do not have a chance with him. Once his answer has been set then I will then make my decision. For him, it’ll be the last of me. Obviously he won’t regret it even for a bit. After all, I am the one whom he said that is always on the wrong side. Well, he never actually said it directly but I’m sure that’s where the path was leading me to. I miss him.. I don’t want to talk about him but sometimes, it comes out from the blue and that’s why I hate it so much.
The person who I am into now can’t really speak that much of English. Therefore, I don’t know how to actually start the conversation with him. I tried calling him and he picked up the phone but I froze for that moment and I don’t know what to say. I suck in malay and it just isn’t helping me. I ended up talking TO the phone. Literally.
6 more days to my mocks. I want to do well for some subject in mocks and do well for some in o levels. I need to do something about my math though. I am still looking for a tuition teacher that would be dedicated enough to teach me everyday but it’s really hard. I mean, I am not the only student in this world anyway. I can’t wait to call alang but I am so shy!!!
Next thing on my list is to call Izzat for one last time and pop the question to him. I am thinking of begging him for another chance but I’m not sure whether it’s worth it or not. I so want to call farah but I am not sure whether she’s still awake. Because my girlfriends are usually the type to sleep really early. Now I am left with one other girl called emma.
*sigh*
p.s: Decisions hasn’t been made. I’ll be sure to update once it has come into thought.
-dkm
I found out that he sort of ran away from home again. I hope the mum realizes at the fact that this time, he didn’t do it for me or with me. I mean, all these time she’s been saying that I’ve been corrupting her son and so on. I proved everyone in his family wrong. Good things do come for you when you just wait for it. I am so happy that it happened. I got a bit worried for him though. I maybe over him but it’s a definite fact that I still love him dearly. Soft pot for him is a guaranteed in my heart.
I have a boyfriend which I don’t really adore so I figured maybe right now is not the right time to have a fixed or permanent boyfriend. I want a guy to be by my side to comfort me at the times I need him but not all the time. I don’t want any commitment to be going on right now. My exams are so close and I need to finish up. Maybe after that, I’ll open up my eyes to go look for someone out there who’ll treat me better.
2 weeks ago I met another guy named alang at hartamas. We were all having really late supper before the love of my life (mareez) went back to England. As I sat there being the only girl, I watched everyone around me being drunk. Knowing me, I don’t drink. Well not all the time, maybe for some occasions. So as I sat there observing everyones’ move I turned to the front and I saw one of our friend came towards us. He brought he so called little brother with him. I stared at him and he was kind of cute. On that day itself I didn’t concentrate on him that much due to the reason that the love of my life was present there as well. So my focus went more to mareez then anyone on that table.
After mareez left, it was the same thing for me again. One day I started thinking about the alang guy and it was a coincidence that I was browsing through my photos and found him in the picture with beng chye. I looked and tried to just remember how he looked like. I was infactuated at the fact that he was so quiet and he had a great smile.
Now, all my friends are hooking me up with him. I feel really shy. I want to call him but I don’t have the guts too. Before I do get any further, I want to find out whether a chance between izzat and I still exist. If it really doesn’t, then maybe I’ll go for this guy. I want to get to know him first and see how well I can communicate with him. Apparently, he’s not fluent with his English and because of that, I’m not very fond of him. I am dying to call him though. I need someone to motivate me. I have enough motivation from mishal, ahnand and beng chye but that’s it. I am still so malu.. It’s so annoying but I am glad that I get to feel this way again…
Right now, as I type this down I’m going to ask Izzat for the last time whether I do or do not have a chance with him. Once his answer has been set then I will then make my decision. For him, it’ll be the last of me. Obviously he won’t regret it even for a bit. After all, I am the one whom he said that is always on the wrong side. Well, he never actually said it directly but I’m sure that’s where the path was leading me to. I miss him.. I don’t want to talk about him but sometimes, it comes out from the blue and that’s why I hate it so much.
The person who I am into now can’t really speak that much of English. Therefore, I don’t know how to actually start the conversation with him. I tried calling him and he picked up the phone but I froze for that moment and I don’t know what to say. I suck in malay and it just isn’t helping me. I ended up talking TO the phone. Literally.
6 more days to my mocks. I want to do well for some subject in mocks and do well for some in o levels. I need to do something about my math though. I am still looking for a tuition teacher that would be dedicated enough to teach me everyday but it’s really hard. I mean, I am not the only student in this world anyway. I can’t wait to call alang but I am so shy!!!
Next thing on my list is to call Izzat for one last time and pop the question to him. I am thinking of begging him for another chance but I’m not sure whether it’s worth it or not. I so want to call farah but I am not sure whether she’s still awake. Because my girlfriends are usually the type to sleep really early. Now I am left with one other girl called emma.
*sigh*
p.s: Decisions hasn’t been made. I’ll be sure to update once it has come into thought.
-dkm
Thursday, February 23, 2006
To simply put it, I want you.
I want to be your companion,
and walk hand in hand.
Your strenght enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling,
scuffing feet and laughter,
sharing nights, not finished by the dark.
I want to be your confidant,
as you pen your deepest
thoughts, as your heartaches
bleeds and finally break free.
Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile
and giggle with you,
at nothing at all.
I want to be your lover,
and find the passions.
That move you to action.
I want to be the softness,
that induces you to trust.
I want to be the naughty,
that makes you come back for more.
I want to please you, sayang.
I want to share your breakfast,
and your dinner.
I want you in the shower,
and in your bed and
with soft steps to bring you munchies.
(I take mine as anything)
Your strong arms, the legs
that powerful you thrust,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire.
No, it is not secret. My sayang,
and to put it very simply,
I want you. Enough said.
-dkm
and walk hand in hand.
Your strenght enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling,
scuffing feet and laughter,
sharing nights, not finished by the dark.
I want to be your confidant,
as you pen your deepest
thoughts, as your heartaches
bleeds and finally break free.
Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile
and giggle with you,
at nothing at all.
I want to be your lover,
and find the passions.
That move you to action.
I want to be the softness,
that induces you to trust.
I want to be the naughty,
that makes you come back for more.
I want to please you, sayang.
I want to share your breakfast,
and your dinner.
I want you in the shower,
and in your bed and
with soft steps to bring you munchies.
(I take mine as anything)
Your strong arms, the legs
that powerful you thrust,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire.
No, it is not secret. My sayang,
and to put it very simply,
I want you. Enough said.
-dkm
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Rapture
There is a place for us,
that no one else can enter.
It is a place that holds no secrets,
only beauty, peace and understanding.
A place that we come to,
thinking we are one,
only to have our souls
fused together for a moment.
And in that moment, I know you;
every pore, every pulse,
every thought, every fear.
And I try not to love you more.
I feel myself laid bare before you,
and I feel content...
joyous that you are with me now,
loving me in my nakedness.
-dkm
It's just for that moment that I feel this way. When reality hits me, I'll come back to life. Knowing I have nothing to live for. Well, that's all going to change now. I want to get you but I had enough of being depressed over you. I want to show you that I am happy and I can live with or without you.
that no one else can enter.
It is a place that holds no secrets,
only beauty, peace and understanding.
A place that we come to,
thinking we are one,
only to have our souls
fused together for a moment.
And in that moment, I know you;
every pore, every pulse,
every thought, every fear.
And I try not to love you more.
I feel myself laid bare before you,
and I feel content...
joyous that you are with me now,
loving me in my nakedness.
-dkm
It's just for that moment that I feel this way. When reality hits me, I'll come back to life. Knowing I have nothing to live for. Well, that's all going to change now. I want to get you but I had enough of being depressed over you. I want to show you that I am happy and I can live with or without you.
Passion's Flame
A touch, soft and tender.
A whisper, full of desire.
A gasp of sweet surrender,
as passion fuels the fire.
No words spoken between them,
no promises to be kept.
No lies being told tonight,
no looking back - no regrets.
Longing to hold each other,
such precious little time.
Both vowed to another,
being lonely their only crime.
Tomorrow bringing sorrow,
a brief moment of shame.
With the memory of this one night,
a release from passion's flame.
-dkm
A whisper, full of desire.
A gasp of sweet surrender,
as passion fuels the fire.
No words spoken between them,
no promises to be kept.
No lies being told tonight,
no looking back - no regrets.
Longing to hold each other,
such precious little time.
Both vowed to another,
being lonely their only crime.
Tomorrow bringing sorrow,
a brief moment of shame.
With the memory of this one night,
a release from passion's flame.
-dkm
Forgive me
To the ends of time I will love you my friend,
Knowing that you're gone leaves me a bend.
An angle to me you were so kind,
Raising my sprits with ways I can not find.
Over and over the days with you replayed,
Loving you so much wished you would have stayed.
I crossed a line which I know not fit,
Now each day I die a little bit.
An empty void replaces what I feel,
Growing sadder and sadder, will I ever heal.
From the feeling of love I felt for a friend.
-dkm
Knowing that you're gone leaves me a bend.
An angle to me you were so kind,
Raising my sprits with ways I can not find.
Over and over the days with you replayed,
Loving you so much wished you would have stayed.
I crossed a line which I know not fit,
Now each day I die a little bit.
An empty void replaces what I feel,
Growing sadder and sadder, will I ever heal.
From the feeling of love I felt for a friend.
-dkm
*jingle jingle*
It doesn't matter about anything in this world. All I know is that I wanted to give up on you. I did. But it hit me that, I might not want to give up. I don't want to lose or regret anything in my life anymore. I know I have been nothing but bad to you. I know that you don't believe in second chances. It's hard for me to show you that I am changing for you. I don't want to say that I am exactly changing for YOU but I am changing for the better because of you.
I noticed that, you can't appreciate the good if you don't see the bad. I have everything I want and I am not going to ask for anymore. I've got a good life, people around me who loves, good education, good food served on the table, family in awesome condition, good wealth and there's just many more to say.. What more can I ask for? Honestly in my heart I want you but I think if I have that, it'll be too much for me to handle.
Each day, there is a period time where I think of you. It's not a crime but I feel guilty everytime I do think of you. I want to let you know that I would always love you no matter what comes in between us. Everyone can go on talking shit about me to you. It's your decision to whether you want to listen to it or not. Peoples' mouth would always run like water. It'll be like the sea which has no ends around the world. That's what this world is all about.
Everytime you accuse me of being a slut. It hurts me but I know deep down in your heart you know the truth. The truth being that I am not. I am pure and I want to keep it that way for you. You were my first love and vice versa for you. I keep on thinking on the days where we used to spend so much time together. I thought that was love all about. Now I know that love is all about what's in the heart. As long as your heart has got good intentions that you are on the right side. If you really love that one person, you'd want him or her to be happy all the time. I wonder.. when that happens, if the other partner is not happy; is it fair?
Unbalanced is one of the most risky thing in love. It's true what they say, it's hard to describe the meaning of love. There are no perfect definition for love. Love shouldn't be listed in the dictionary because the meanings can go beyond recognition. You may call me emotional for all I care. People out there are so happy to see me in misery but the day would come for them. Once it have, I would be standing in front of you and comforting you.
I've had enough of being a bad person. The people in this world can do anything they want. Atleast I know myself that I have changed for the better and I hope slowly everyone would see it too. Tears are dried up, I've had enough of my life being so low at the core. I'm going to rise back up to the surface and prepare myself for more things to come in the future.
-dkm
I noticed that, you can't appreciate the good if you don't see the bad. I have everything I want and I am not going to ask for anymore. I've got a good life, people around me who loves, good education, good food served on the table, family in awesome condition, good wealth and there's just many more to say.. What more can I ask for? Honestly in my heart I want you but I think if I have that, it'll be too much for me to handle.
Each day, there is a period time where I think of you. It's not a crime but I feel guilty everytime I do think of you. I want to let you know that I would always love you no matter what comes in between us. Everyone can go on talking shit about me to you. It's your decision to whether you want to listen to it or not. Peoples' mouth would always run like water. It'll be like the sea which has no ends around the world. That's what this world is all about.
Everytime you accuse me of being a slut. It hurts me but I know deep down in your heart you know the truth. The truth being that I am not. I am pure and I want to keep it that way for you. You were my first love and vice versa for you. I keep on thinking on the days where we used to spend so much time together. I thought that was love all about. Now I know that love is all about what's in the heart. As long as your heart has got good intentions that you are on the right side. If you really love that one person, you'd want him or her to be happy all the time. I wonder.. when that happens, if the other partner is not happy; is it fair?
Unbalanced is one of the most risky thing in love. It's true what they say, it's hard to describe the meaning of love. There are no perfect definition for love. Love shouldn't be listed in the dictionary because the meanings can go beyond recognition. You may call me emotional for all I care. People out there are so happy to see me in misery but the day would come for them. Once it have, I would be standing in front of you and comforting you.
I've had enough of being a bad person. The people in this world can do anything they want. Atleast I know myself that I have changed for the better and I hope slowly everyone would see it too. Tears are dried up, I've had enough of my life being so low at the core. I'm going to rise back up to the surface and prepare myself for more things to come in the future.
-dkm
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
It's out there...
There's just something out there that won't stop bugging me! I hate it! I'm going to write a really short blog because I am going to sleep soon. I don't want to stay up till late anymore. I need to repair my bio clock and i'm going to do it now. I have to do so many things tomorrow. Need to update on many things today but I don't have the mood so, I'll write it once I am freeeeeee. bye!
-dkm
-dkm