I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Maybe for a certain time but not all the time. Not even the best actors could do that. I know that I've lost my grounds of being 'deena'. I wonder who are able to see that. My feelings are again mixed up. I've got everything I wanted but I'm still not satisfied. I have to admit that I do miss the times when I was playing with guys and all those stuff.
I remembered being a player and being called 'gangster'. People change as time goes by. I've been very lazy to do things that makes me happy. It is as if I rather be upset than making an effort to change. Could it be human nature? Confessing is one of the hardest thing in life. Especially when it is about the bad things in life. Noone has the guts to do properly. Somewhere along the confession there will always be lies.
I remembered my life when I was younger and as I look and got back on reality, I realized that I am in my last year and I have to really get back on track on studies. Independence is really hard to get once you've lost it. I used to be very independent. I was a leader and I was good at it. I kind of let someone took over it and I became so weak and had no backbone. Problems arose from that.
Everyone knows that when you get so spoilt, it'll be really hard to be good again. It'll be a drastic change for some people. It won't be able to happen all at once. I would call myself a slow thinker. I can only think when I'm calm. Because when I am angry, I will say or think the things that I don't mean. When I am upset, I'll keep quiet and keep everything inside. Anger and depression are the two emotions that are hard to control. Well, it is for me.
Waiting and waiting in my loneliness, I know what and where to go for my next mision. But am I able to do it all over again. How did I become so dumb and let something so stupid ruined me. I have a lot of guardian beside me but I am so stubborn to listen to any of them. I know life is not easy and this could be a phase to test my patience but I am not doing well at it. I have not got the lesson in this situation yet. I know once I think about it thoroughly then I will understand it.
I used to be the stable one in all groups that I hang out in. All of that change!! I'm the one that people usually ask from for answers to their problems. Now questions are asked from me! I think that's why I have my girlfriends back.
-dkm
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Moms?
Mums are important in life. I realized that everytime I cry, I would always say my mum's name. When I'm scared, in trouble or anything! It's one thing to be rude to them and another thing to disobey what they want. Yet, we still all do that. It's just unbelieveable. I know.
Let's take my boyfriend's mum for an example. She insist on blaming me for things that her son does wrong. It happens like that because I happen to be there when her son went through a phase that he wants to be rebellious.
Rebellion is nothing to me anymore. I used to go through that when I was 12years old. Now, I understand what my mum like and need. Plus, I am lucky to have an open minded mother. As for Izzat's mother, she is quite traditional and a shallow thinker. I never knew that mouth could really ruined something between people.
She is a compulsive liar at one point of time and the only thing I could do was to just stay patient. Since, I am still a kid and I was in no position to fight back. After awhile it kind of got annoying and little things just trigger me so badly. As day pass by, I try my best to ignore the fact that she's doing this daily. But NO! The whole world has to know about it. For me, if it's that bad I would have been satisfied and just let it go. But that wasn't enough for her, she had to go on and on for months.
Words still get around and comes back to me. Eventhough she is a mother to my boyfriend, I know that I've tried my very best to get to her. Apparently she said my first impression towards her was bad. But I remembered it quite well. When I first met her, it was at her front door. I was taking out all her daughters out for a bite of ice cream at great eastern mall, haagen daaz. Everyone knows that is not cheap. But I did it, to get on her good side. She denied all of those and was adament that what she says is right.
She accuse me of putting weed in my ciggy. I mean, give me a break. Which dumb person would do that. Unless they just want to create trouble. It seems to me that she is trying to prevent her son from being friends with people like me. I thought about it and couldn't care less. There are other people out there whom are much worst than I am. Like ten times worst.
She needs to try a different approach in order to get her son to trust her. I am so confused right now. Someone would you please send me help.
-dkm
Let's take my boyfriend's mum for an example. She insist on blaming me for things that her son does wrong. It happens like that because I happen to be there when her son went through a phase that he wants to be rebellious.
Rebellion is nothing to me anymore. I used to go through that when I was 12years old. Now, I understand what my mum like and need. Plus, I am lucky to have an open minded mother. As for Izzat's mother, she is quite traditional and a shallow thinker. I never knew that mouth could really ruined something between people.
She is a compulsive liar at one point of time and the only thing I could do was to just stay patient. Since, I am still a kid and I was in no position to fight back. After awhile it kind of got annoying and little things just trigger me so badly. As day pass by, I try my best to ignore the fact that she's doing this daily. But NO! The whole world has to know about it. For me, if it's that bad I would have been satisfied and just let it go. But that wasn't enough for her, she had to go on and on for months.
Words still get around and comes back to me. Eventhough she is a mother to my boyfriend, I know that I've tried my very best to get to her. Apparently she said my first impression towards her was bad. But I remembered it quite well. When I first met her, it was at her front door. I was taking out all her daughters out for a bite of ice cream at great eastern mall, haagen daaz. Everyone knows that is not cheap. But I did it, to get on her good side. She denied all of those and was adament that what she says is right.
She accuse me of putting weed in my ciggy. I mean, give me a break. Which dumb person would do that. Unless they just want to create trouble. It seems to me that she is trying to prevent her son from being friends with people like me. I thought about it and couldn't care less. There are other people out there whom are much worst than I am. Like ten times worst.
She needs to try a different approach in order to get her son to trust her. I am so confused right now. Someone would you please send me help.
-dkm
My sweet 16th Birthday Bash!!
My sweet 16th Birthday Bash was the bomb-ing shiznit diggity!! It was held in Concorde, Kuala Lumpur. I loved it. I didn't expect it to be that good but that's why they say always expect the unexpected.
I had my dress drawn out by a friend called Syahmi, it was gorgeous. The maker was a guy named Syed Zain, he's awesome. The dress didn't look that good when i went for the fitting but in the end, it looked beautiful!
I was really nervous about the party. I was scared about whether or not people would appear and if they do, would they have fun? I had a lot of things to worry about. But izzat was there to help me through all that. As the party started a lot of people begun to come in the place and said wishes to me. Eventhough my own best girlfriends weren't there, I know they were in my heart. I know they would have fun if they were there. I didn't need them to be there with me, they were just in my heart. The decorations were done by my fantastic mum, she had everything organized into place with her screaming and being all stressed out over it. I got a bit pissed but it was worth it. The cake was made by her lawyer ( i know it's really odd!).
At the party, everyone looked gorgeous. I mean that literally. It was a semi formal party but I'm glad that people came looking hot and pretty. It was not all that grand or anything big but I loved it a lot. It will be a party to be remembered for the rest of my life for sure. There were smiles everywhere. I loved the whole atmosphere and surroundings.
I couldn't have asked for a better party. Really. I know for a fact that everybody had fun. Thus, it was the talk of the week for some schools. I was so proud of it. Now, I don't want to go on bragging about my party. Who was there for it would know what I'm talking about. But for who didn't go, then it's your lost.
-dkm
I had my dress drawn out by a friend called Syahmi, it was gorgeous. The maker was a guy named Syed Zain, he's awesome. The dress didn't look that good when i went for the fitting but in the end, it looked beautiful!
I was really nervous about the party. I was scared about whether or not people would appear and if they do, would they have fun? I had a lot of things to worry about. But izzat was there to help me through all that. As the party started a lot of people begun to come in the place and said wishes to me. Eventhough my own best girlfriends weren't there, I know they were in my heart. I know they would have fun if they were there. I didn't need them to be there with me, they were just in my heart. The decorations were done by my fantastic mum, she had everything organized into place with her screaming and being all stressed out over it. I got a bit pissed but it was worth it. The cake was made by her lawyer ( i know it's really odd!).
At the party, everyone looked gorgeous. I mean that literally. It was a semi formal party but I'm glad that people came looking hot and pretty. It was not all that grand or anything big but I loved it a lot. It will be a party to be remembered for the rest of my life for sure. There were smiles everywhere. I loved the whole atmosphere and surroundings.
I couldn't have asked for a better party. Really. I know for a fact that everybody had fun. Thus, it was the talk of the week for some schools. I was so proud of it. Now, I don't want to go on bragging about my party. Who was there for it would know what I'm talking about. But for who didn't go, then it's your lost.
-dkm
Honey, I'm home!!
After months and months of not writing. I actually think that I am missing apart of me. I used to love blogging, more or less like writing a journal but it stopped. Why? Because, I was too caught up with a boy. A lot of things went by and not all were happy moments. Mostly was just to fuck me up. I didn't know what to do at one point of time but it was the same thing everyday. So sooner or later, I kind of got used to crying and like dwelling in self-pity everytime. I know it's not good but gee, i didn't know what else to do. Plus, at that time I didn't have my girlfriends.
Now, it's a new thing for me. I'm patching things up with a lot of people and I am glad it's happening. I know it happens for a reason. I got a new thing going on with Farah, Emma, Sammie and Lollita. It's great to have my girls back on my side. I really needed a wake up call. That's a serious one.
-dkm
Now, it's a new thing for me. I'm patching things up with a lot of people and I am glad it's happening. I know it happens for a reason. I got a new thing going on with Farah, Emma, Sammie and Lollita. It's great to have my girls back on my side. I really needed a wake up call. That's a serious one.
-dkm