Guess what? Look at the topic and you know what's this all about. Yeah you got it right, it's my anniversary. Now isn't that great. It's been 7th month and I'm still with the same guy. Am I proud or what.
For me, 7th months is really long. This is my longest ever. I want to be with him for very long time. I want to be his longest relationship. I've broken my record, now it's breaking his one. After 7 months, I'm still so much in love with him. You don't expect us to be all perfect and smooth sailing with the relationship. But I have it pretty good now.
This month's anniversary is not all that special. Well, it can't be since Izzat is in Bali. But I know it's going to be really special once he gets back. I can't wait till he gets back although I'm not going to be here but still. It was enough for him to call me all the way from Bali to wish me. I mean, think about it. It's really expensive to call malaysia with a handphone.
I love him so much. I miss him so much. There's nothing that can ever break that. I hope that this would go on for a very long time. I wish that when I wake up tomorrow that he'll be right by my side. I know for a fact that, that's not going to happen. So what I'll do tomorrow is spend time alone and just think about him. Pretend that he's right beside me. I love him so much and I wouldn't ask for anything more. I know he loves me too.
-dkm
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
emotions = drive
I've discovered that I feel so much better when I'm driving. I mean, when I am angry. Under normal circumstances, people would go kickboxing, swimming, etc. But for me, it's a bit different. My whole life, I've always controlled something around me. That's why I've been happy when I was younger. Now, it's different. Since the recent incident, I've lost a big part of me which included my responsibilities, priorities and independence. I don't even have control over myself. Therefore, I've learnt that when I am driving around and listening to music, I can calm myself down from everything. It's funny. It's dangerous I know but that's the only way that I've discovered for now, I am sure I will discover other ways later.
-dkm
-dkm
Monday, December 05, 2005
Only 24hours has passed..
Baby, only 24 hours has passed by since you left this country. I miss you so much. I feel so lonely without you being here. I hope so much that you didn't go to Bali. Eventhough I try so hard to not think about you, your name keeps on coming in my head and mind. I'm planning to make some changes in myself for you and also my own benefit. I have to get used to this enviroment. Being alone or go out with my friends without you. But it won't be the same.
If you're ready this, I want you to try and have as much fun as you could while you're there. I promise that I won't hurt you and I will keep my words. I remembered what I've promised you. I keep on looking at your pictures and it makes me miss you even more by the minute. There would noone on earth that can replace you. I'm sorry that all this time, I've been taking you for granted.
I know you didn't call me right before you left the country. I want you to know it's alright. I know you must have been busy with the bags and too caught up with everything else over there. I can't stop thinking about you, sayang. I love you so much.
There's so much more to say but I'll leave it unsaid. All I've said above is enough said.
-dkm
If you're ready this, I want you to try and have as much fun as you could while you're there. I promise that I won't hurt you and I will keep my words. I remembered what I've promised you. I keep on looking at your pictures and it makes me miss you even more by the minute. There would noone on earth that can replace you. I'm sorry that all this time, I've been taking you for granted.
I know you didn't call me right before you left the country. I want you to know it's alright. I know you must have been busy with the bags and too caught up with everything else over there. I can't stop thinking about you, sayang. I love you so much.
There's so much more to say but I'll leave it unsaid. All I've said above is enough said.
-dkm
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Ghost Of you - My Chemical Romance
I never said I'd lie and wait forever,
If I died, we'd be together,
I can't always just forget her,
But she could try..
At the end of the world,
Or the last thing I see,
You are,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me,
And all the smiles that are ever ever...
Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never,
All alone and I remember now,
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies,
She dies.
At the end of the world,
Or the last thing I see,
You are,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Could I? should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me,
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me,
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me,
If I fall, If I fall (down)
At the end of the world,
Or the last thing I see,
You are,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Never coming home....
And all the things that you never ever told me,
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me,
Never coming home,
Never coming home,
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me,
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...
Good day has finally came..
A good day has finally came to catch me. I've never felt this feeling before. Today, I had a time on my own. I was talking to my family and some other friends. Along the time I was talking to them, I keep on getting useful informations and put it in my head. There are many things that were exchanged and I am so glad that it actually is happening now. I thought I had to wait for years to come. Maybe I have paid all those tears that the guys cried for me when I was so cruel to them.
It all started with a phone call. HE didn't call me the whole day and I just needed people to tell me that HE loves me and that I am really lucky and so on. I had people doing that for me the whole day, just for the sake of me putting it in my head. We had a plan to go the movies today, but it got cancelled because he was too busy. For the frist, I didn't fight about it. I am proud of that.
I was hanging out with my sister, little brother, mum but mostly my dad. We had a really long conversation at the restaurant in desa pandan. It was not planned but that's the best thing about being spontaneous. He told me a lot of things that would be useful to me. I spoke to some other people online and they shared their problems with me. They shared their emotions and I gave them some advices.
While I was doing that, Izzat would have been probably be sleeping or try to get his mind off things. I didn't call him the whole day, wanted to give him the space. I called him only once but then never again. I got to know from his sister that he was back over at his dad's house. Yet, I didn't call him straight away because I figured that maybe he would need time to settle down and just relax. Once I thought it was the time to call, I called him.
He picked up the phone and had a conversation going on. Suddenly, he asked me for a break. He told me that he needed it really badly, in order for him to find himself again. I didn't agree on it since he caught me off guard and I was totally shocked at his decision. He has always been the one that doesn't want to go on a break. Now he does. While talking to him, I was at a club called Sugar. I thought of maybe having a bit of fun. It turned bad when I spoke to him because I was crying. After all the bullshit talk from me, I hung up the phone.
I wanted to get myself together and just calm myself down and talk to him again later. He told me that the break was starting today and that's when I got really fucked and started thinking really hard about everything. I've done a lot of mistakes that I didn't see. Slowly, I am beginning to see every single one of them. I regretted doing all those shit to him. Because I know he loves me very much just like how I love him. As much as I want this thing to work for me, he wants the same too.
I know now who is Izzat. I don't want to lose him. After being calm and so on, he called me. He told me to pick him up and minutes after that, he changed his mind. But I insisted on seeing him, so I went over his dad's house to just see him for the last time before he goes to bali. When I got into his arms, I felt so warm. Only then I knew that I've never appreciated what I've had infront of me. His lips were so soft and I felt as if we haven't kissed for like a year or more.
I got home and called him. We talk for hours and just laugh together like old times. I have never felt so happy in my life. I told him what my day was about and to tell the truth, I learnt a lot from CLEO magazines!! Hahahaha!! I am about to change myself for this boy. It would show the whole world of how much I love him. I will try to change myself before he gets back from Bali. I hope I won't cause anymore riot for him anymore.
We all need to get back on track again. I know I love him and he loves me too. I will now appreciate everything that he has done or said to me. Because now I am so happy. As I type this down, it is the first time in months that I have a smile on my face writing it down. There are many things in life that I hate but he makes it so different that I start to learn to love again. He will be the only person that can change me for the better.
-dkm
It all started with a phone call. HE didn't call me the whole day and I just needed people to tell me that HE loves me and that I am really lucky and so on. I had people doing that for me the whole day, just for the sake of me putting it in my head. We had a plan to go the movies today, but it got cancelled because he was too busy. For the frist, I didn't fight about it. I am proud of that.
I was hanging out with my sister, little brother, mum but mostly my dad. We had a really long conversation at the restaurant in desa pandan. It was not planned but that's the best thing about being spontaneous. He told me a lot of things that would be useful to me. I spoke to some other people online and they shared their problems with me. They shared their emotions and I gave them some advices.
While I was doing that, Izzat would have been probably be sleeping or try to get his mind off things. I didn't call him the whole day, wanted to give him the space. I called him only once but then never again. I got to know from his sister that he was back over at his dad's house. Yet, I didn't call him straight away because I figured that maybe he would need time to settle down and just relax. Once I thought it was the time to call, I called him.
He picked up the phone and had a conversation going on. Suddenly, he asked me for a break. He told me that he needed it really badly, in order for him to find himself again. I didn't agree on it since he caught me off guard and I was totally shocked at his decision. He has always been the one that doesn't want to go on a break. Now he does. While talking to him, I was at a club called Sugar. I thought of maybe having a bit of fun. It turned bad when I spoke to him because I was crying. After all the bullshit talk from me, I hung up the phone.
I wanted to get myself together and just calm myself down and talk to him again later. He told me that the break was starting today and that's when I got really fucked and started thinking really hard about everything. I've done a lot of mistakes that I didn't see. Slowly, I am beginning to see every single one of them. I regretted doing all those shit to him. Because I know he loves me very much just like how I love him. As much as I want this thing to work for me, he wants the same too.
I know now who is Izzat. I don't want to lose him. After being calm and so on, he called me. He told me to pick him up and minutes after that, he changed his mind. But I insisted on seeing him, so I went over his dad's house to just see him for the last time before he goes to bali. When I got into his arms, I felt so warm. Only then I knew that I've never appreciated what I've had infront of me. His lips were so soft and I felt as if we haven't kissed for like a year or more.
I got home and called him. We talk for hours and just laugh together like old times. I have never felt so happy in my life. I told him what my day was about and to tell the truth, I learnt a lot from CLEO magazines!! Hahahaha!! I am about to change myself for this boy. It would show the whole world of how much I love him. I will try to change myself before he gets back from Bali. I hope I won't cause anymore riot for him anymore.
We all need to get back on track again. I know I love him and he loves me too. I will now appreciate everything that he has done or said to me. Because now I am so happy. As I type this down, it is the first time in months that I have a smile on my face writing it down. There are many things in life that I hate but he makes it so different that I start to learn to love again. He will be the only person that can change me for the better.
-dkm
Saturday, December 03, 2005
I don't know what's going on with my life anymore. One person is telling me another thing and another person is telling me another story. Which one am I to follow, which direction? I am losing control of myself. I am totally losing it. I haven't been happy for the past few months, it's just me. Everything is always blame on me. I know that for a fact. I get blamed even when I'm not at the crime scene.
I am so depressed. My friends say that I would be happier if I wasn't with him. Infact, that is the truth but I am in denial. You know how they say, girls mature faster than a boy by two years. Well, I am going out with a guy who is 15years old. Therefore, his mind should be like at the age of 13years a old and as for me, my mind would be at the age of a 17years old.
I miss laughing and happiness. I can't find all of that anymore. I still love him like crazy and I am trying so hard to not hurt him in anyway. But everytime I do, I will always accidentally hurt him. I think I never had the intentions to hurt him so much. Recently, it has become so intense between the both of us.
My only problem is that, I can never let him go whenever he wants to go with his friends. I just can't let him go. Due to the reason that, he has spoilt me so much when I was him for the first few months. Suddenly, he wanted to stop being like that and started to complain about a lot of stuff that I never thought of. Now, I know that it is really hard to change to be good or change for the person you love.
His friends doesn't like me, but should I care? I mean, it's his friends so I don't think I should be bothered. It's such a small thing. Should we even fight about our friends? Is it necessary? You know sometimes the reason that I don't let him go with his friends is because they are so irresponsible. I'm not saying that they are irresponsible in every way, but they don't have respect for time. I'm not going to mention names because it'll be really rude.
Since I was a little girl, I've always loved being myself. I know I am naughty, annoying, bitchy and a lot more of bad things but I cannot be bothered by it. There are people out there who hates and loves me. I am the kind of person that someone just totally hates or totally loves! That's it. There's nothing more to it. Plus, I say whatever I want to say. Although I know I say it at the wrong places and timing. That's one thing I need to learn how to control and change about me.
I know the things that I have to change but I don't want to change in to a totally new person. It wouldn't be me. I know that for sure. I want to keep some bad stuff in me so then no matter what, people would still know that this is deena.
Human beings talk a lot when they are in a group. They talk about all kind of stuff. Stuff that are weird and mostly stuff that can and will hurt other people. But when you are actually talking, you don't really think about the person's feeling. You'll start thinking only once the thing has happened to you. Well for me, I know a lot of people talk about me. I learnt sooner or later to try not to be bothered by those things anymore. Now, I am hearing more things about me. Some are true, some are not. Most of my REAL friends know that, if it's true I would definitely admit to it but if it isn't, I would just be pissed for the moment and get over the fact that they said it.
Well, there is actually a lot more to this but I really can't be fucked to write since my eyes are really puffy and shit. I am waiting for izzat's call. I am guessing that he discussed things with his friends and his decision is to break it off with me. Or something they would continue my crying for the rest of the day or week. I know I love him more than I love a girl named nini. If I went through one week of depression because of her, then I don't know how long I am going to be able to take it from him.
-dkm
I am so depressed. My friends say that I would be happier if I wasn't with him. Infact, that is the truth but I am in denial. You know how they say, girls mature faster than a boy by two years. Well, I am going out with a guy who is 15years old. Therefore, his mind should be like at the age of 13years a old and as for me, my mind would be at the age of a 17years old.
I miss laughing and happiness. I can't find all of that anymore. I still love him like crazy and I am trying so hard to not hurt him in anyway. But everytime I do, I will always accidentally hurt him. I think I never had the intentions to hurt him so much. Recently, it has become so intense between the both of us.
My only problem is that, I can never let him go whenever he wants to go with his friends. I just can't let him go. Due to the reason that, he has spoilt me so much when I was him for the first few months. Suddenly, he wanted to stop being like that and started to complain about a lot of stuff that I never thought of. Now, I know that it is really hard to change to be good or change for the person you love.
His friends doesn't like me, but should I care? I mean, it's his friends so I don't think I should be bothered. It's such a small thing. Should we even fight about our friends? Is it necessary? You know sometimes the reason that I don't let him go with his friends is because they are so irresponsible. I'm not saying that they are irresponsible in every way, but they don't have respect for time. I'm not going to mention names because it'll be really rude.
Since I was a little girl, I've always loved being myself. I know I am naughty, annoying, bitchy and a lot more of bad things but I cannot be bothered by it. There are people out there who hates and loves me. I am the kind of person that someone just totally hates or totally loves! That's it. There's nothing more to it. Plus, I say whatever I want to say. Although I know I say it at the wrong places and timing. That's one thing I need to learn how to control and change about me.
I know the things that I have to change but I don't want to change in to a totally new person. It wouldn't be me. I know that for sure. I want to keep some bad stuff in me so then no matter what, people would still know that this is deena.
Human beings talk a lot when they are in a group. They talk about all kind of stuff. Stuff that are weird and mostly stuff that can and will hurt other people. But when you are actually talking, you don't really think about the person's feeling. You'll start thinking only once the thing has happened to you. Well for me, I know a lot of people talk about me. I learnt sooner or later to try not to be bothered by those things anymore. Now, I am hearing more things about me. Some are true, some are not. Most of my REAL friends know that, if it's true I would definitely admit to it but if it isn't, I would just be pissed for the moment and get over the fact that they said it.
Well, there is actually a lot more to this but I really can't be fucked to write since my eyes are really puffy and shit. I am waiting for izzat's call. I am guessing that he discussed things with his friends and his decision is to break it off with me. Or something they would continue my crying for the rest of the day or week. I know I love him more than I love a girl named nini. If I went through one week of depression because of her, then I don't know how long I am going to be able to take it from him.
-dkm
Friday, December 02, 2005
I realized.......... what??
Am I happy now or then? What am I doing to myself? Should I go on like this or should I change? Who is out there that can answer all this questions? Who is that one person who has a solution to all problems? Do I really love myself? Do I deserve the things that I am getting now?
I can't stop thinking of what I am going to do with my life. My life is filled with so many things and it includes path to directions that makes me really confused. I don't know which one to choose and I don't know which one is wrong or right.
-dkm
I can't stop thinking of what I am going to do with my life. My life is filled with so many things and it includes path to directions that makes me really confused. I don't know which one to choose and I don't know which one is wrong or right.
-dkm
extra of me, revealed!
Something that I don't tell everyday. It's not something personal nor is it something I would hide from anyone. It's something so funny and people would just laugh at it and get over it.
I've had this thing my whole life and it never left my side. It has been with me whenever I needed it. You know how they say that some people in life would always be there for you. For me, I don't really depend on that anymore because I know some people would come and go. You never know when they do or don't. I know for a fact that this has been the most valueable thing in my life. I've had it since I was 3 years old and I'm glad that it's not broken or torn. Can you guess what it is?
When I am crying, it was there to catch and wipe my tears. When I am angry, it was there for me to hold on it tight enough to just let it go. When I am upset, it was just there for me to keep myself warm and fuzzy. When I am happy, it was there for me to hug it and thank god that I am alive. It was there most of the time and it has been with me even when I'm doing the wrong things. It has never been away from me for more than an hour. If I lose this, I know I would go crazy because it's the only thing I have to be with me at all times.
So now, it's time for me to reveal what it is. It is my blanket that I've had since I was very young. I had a blue one when I was born but I left it at a hotel in penang and I couldn't get it back. I cried non stop when it happened. So my mum bought me a new one and made that the new one. It looked good years ago now, it still does but it's torn a bit here and there. I still take care of it and talk to it as if it's alive. I know it's listening if it's alive.
The description of this blanket; it's white with diagrams of lambs on it. I love it so much eventhough the lamb on it is fading away. I love to just hold it and mingle around with it. So this is why I call it;
I've had this thing my whole life and it never left my side. It has been with me whenever I needed it. You know how they say that some people in life would always be there for you. For me, I don't really depend on that anymore because I know some people would come and go. You never know when they do or don't. I know for a fact that this has been the most valueable thing in my life. I've had it since I was 3 years old and I'm glad that it's not broken or torn. Can you guess what it is?
When I am crying, it was there to catch and wipe my tears. When I am angry, it was there for me to hold on it tight enough to just let it go. When I am upset, it was just there for me to keep myself warm and fuzzy. When I am happy, it was there for me to hug it and thank god that I am alive. It was there most of the time and it has been with me even when I'm doing the wrong things. It has never been away from me for more than an hour. If I lose this, I know I would go crazy because it's the only thing I have to be with me at all times.
So now, it's time for me to reveal what it is. It is my blanket that I've had since I was very young. I had a blue one when I was born but I left it at a hotel in penang and I couldn't get it back. I cried non stop when it happened. So my mum bought me a new one and made that the new one. It looked good years ago now, it still does but it's torn a bit here and there. I still take care of it and talk to it as if it's alive. I know it's listening if it's alive.
The description of this blanket; it's white with diagrams of lambs on it. I love it so much eventhough the lamb on it is fading away. I love to just hold it and mingle around with it. So this is why I call it;
Lambiekinzzzzz
Thursday, December 01, 2005
lone-li-ness
Lonely? It's a part of your emotions that you feel when you don't have anybody beside you or in your heart. Once you are secure that you have everybody then the feeling will slowly fade away. I thought I would feel lonely without the one I love. The reason was because I was so much dependent on him that I forgot about my own independence. I am going through a process whereby I am trying to get mine back. For the first few tries, I was failing and then I slowly picked myself up and I realized that I am doing quite well. I don't think anyone should depend on others for what they want. That applies on every aspect for me.
I know it's natural for oneself to depend for others for help in the future. It could be in business wise. But yet, the one that you will trust would be yourself. Trusting yourself is another thing. I couldn't trust myself for awhile. I was damage to myself at one point of time. I thought back again and said "what the hell?". For this past few months, I have done a lot of mistakes that I don't want to mention in the blog. But I have not regret any of them instead, I've learnt how to look at it and just take it as a lesson learnt.
I have analyzed various type of human beings along the way. There are some you might call pyscho. Well, I did at first. Once I begun to understand what's going on in their mind then I slowly open my eyes to a new thing. I couldn't stop thinking about many things in life. I might die because my brain cells are all gone.
The day has been very gloomy due to the rain that has been pouring down on us. The rain has been on and off. We should be thankful that the rain is falling but it's been everyday and it restricts us from doing certain activities in the outdoor. Well, I'm just like the rain. I've been gloomy and I'm only happy when the sun is out.
-dkm
I know it's natural for oneself to depend for others for help in the future. It could be in business wise. But yet, the one that you will trust would be yourself. Trusting yourself is another thing. I couldn't trust myself for awhile. I was damage to myself at one point of time. I thought back again and said "what the hell?". For this past few months, I have done a lot of mistakes that I don't want to mention in the blog. But I have not regret any of them instead, I've learnt how to look at it and just take it as a lesson learnt.
I have analyzed various type of human beings along the way. There are some you might call pyscho. Well, I did at first. Once I begun to understand what's going on in their mind then I slowly open my eyes to a new thing. I couldn't stop thinking about many things in life. I might die because my brain cells are all gone.
The day has been very gloomy due to the rain that has been pouring down on us. The rain has been on and off. We should be thankful that the rain is falling but it's been everyday and it restricts us from doing certain activities in the outdoor. Well, I'm just like the rain. I've been gloomy and I'm only happy when the sun is out.
-dkm