I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Maybe for a certain time but not all the time. Not even the best actors could do that. I know that I've lost my grounds of being 'deena'. I wonder who are able to see that. My feelings are again mixed up. I've got everything I wanted but I'm still not satisfied. I have to admit that I do miss the times when I was playing with guys and all those stuff.
I remembered being a player and being called 'gangster'. People change as time goes by. I've been very lazy to do things that makes me happy. It is as if I rather be upset than making an effort to change. Could it be human nature? Confessing is one of the hardest thing in life. Especially when it is about the bad things in life. Noone has the guts to do properly. Somewhere along the confession there will always be lies.
I remembered my life when I was younger and as I look and got back on reality, I realized that I am in my last year and I have to really get back on track on studies. Independence is really hard to get once you've lost it. I used to be very independent. I was a leader and I was good at it. I kind of let someone took over it and I became so weak and had no backbone. Problems arose from that.
Everyone knows that when you get so spoilt, it'll be really hard to be good again. It'll be a drastic change for some people. It won't be able to happen all at once. I would call myself a slow thinker. I can only think when I'm calm. Because when I am angry, I will say or think the things that I don't mean. When I am upset, I'll keep quiet and keep everything inside. Anger and depression are the two emotions that are hard to control. Well, it is for me.
Waiting and waiting in my loneliness, I know what and where to go for my next mision. But am I able to do it all over again. How did I become so dumb and let something so stupid ruined me. I have a lot of guardian beside me but I am so stubborn to listen to any of them. I know life is not easy and this could be a phase to test my patience but I am not doing well at it. I have not got the lesson in this situation yet. I know once I think about it thoroughly then I will understand it.
I used to be the stable one in all groups that I hang out in. All of that change!! I'm the one that people usually ask from for answers to their problems. Now questions are asked from me! I think that's why I have my girlfriends back.
-dkm
