I don't know what's going on with my life anymore. One person is telling me another thing and another person is telling me another story. Which one am I to follow, which direction? I am losing control of myself. I am totally losing it. I haven't been happy for the past few months, it's just me. Everything is always blame on me. I know that for a fact. I get blamed even when I'm not at the crime scene.

I am so depressed. My friends say that I would be happier if I wasn't with him. Infact, that is the truth but I am in denial. You know how they say, girls mature faster than a boy by two years. Well, I am going out with a guy who is 15years old. Therefore, his mind should be like at the age of 13years a old and as for me, my mind would be at the age of a 17years old.

I miss laughing and happiness. I can't find all of that anymore. I still love him like crazy and I am trying so hard to not hurt him in anyway. But everytime I do, I will always accidentally hurt him. I think I never had the intentions to hurt him so much. Recently, it has become so intense between the both of us.

My only problem is that, I can never let him go whenever he wants to go with his friends. I just can't let him go. Due to the reason that, he has spoilt me so much when I was him for the first few months. Suddenly, he wanted to stop being like that and started to complain about a lot of stuff that I never thought of. Now, I know that it is really hard to change to be good or change for the person you love.

His friends doesn't like me, but should I care? I mean, it's his friends so I don't think I should be bothered. It's such a small thing. Should we even fight about our friends? Is it necessary? You know sometimes the reason that I don't let him go with his friends is because they are so irresponsible. I'm not saying that they are irresponsible in every way, but they don't have respect for time. I'm not going to mention names because it'll be really rude.

Since I was a little girl, I've always loved being myself. I know I am naughty, annoying, bitchy and a lot more of bad things but I cannot be bothered by it. There are people out there who hates and loves me. I am the kind of person that someone just totally hates or totally loves! That's it. There's nothing more to it. Plus, I say whatever I want to say. Although I know I say it at the wrong places and timing. That's one thing I need to learn how to control and change about me.
I know the things that I have to change but I don't want to change in to a totally new person. It wouldn't be me. I know that for sure. I want to keep some bad stuff in me so then no matter what, people would still know that this is deena.

Human beings talk a lot when they are in a group. They talk about all kind of stuff. Stuff that are weird and mostly stuff that can and will hurt other people. But when you are actually talking, you don't really think about the person's feeling. You'll start thinking only once the thing has happened to you. Well for me, I know a lot of people talk about me. I learnt sooner or later to try not to be bothered by those things anymore. Now, I am hearing more things about me. Some are true, some are not. Most of my REAL friends know that, if it's true I would definitely admit to it but if it isn't, I would just be pissed for the moment and get over the fact that they said it.

Well, there is actually a lot more to this but I really can't be fucked to write since my eyes are really puffy and shit. I am waiting for izzat's call. I am guessing that he discussed things with his friends and his decision is to break it off with me. Or something they would continue my crying for the rest of the day or week. I know I love him more than I love a girl named nini. If I went through one week of depression because of her, then I don't know how long I am going to be able to take it from him.
-dkm