simple things.

The simple things in life are the one that is hardest to find. Well, atleast for me that is. If I look at it in a different way, the hardest ones are just right infront of your eyes. There are just waiting to be solved. Could we put love under the a difficult category? I may not find the answers before some time. All i know, whatever it is I will find the answer. There are no wrong or right decisions. It depends on the time you make the particular decisions. If you make it at the time you're angry, then you'll make the wrong one. Not many people are able to control their anger therefore, your thinking would just be on the negative side and won't be able to think straight. Emotions are one of the hardest thing to control in life. If you think you cant control your boyfriend, emotions are much worst.

Petty things in life are the one that triggers you most. If one big thing happens, you'll remember it but you'll soon forget about it. But the little thing likes to repeat itself. Everytime it does, you can annoyed and angered. For no reason! I don't like being angry. I wish I could just be happy all the time. You don't get what you always want right? Fuck!!!!

I feel so silent. I don't know why. Although I have all the friends I love around me. Yet, I still feel lonely. No one calls me anymore to ask what's up or what has been going on? Could it be cuz of the exam week? I don't think so. It's because i've got a boyfriend. They assume that i'll be busy with him all the time. I just need to have a break. I might say this just because i'm angry. It could be the wrong decision that i'm making. Like what I said above. It's true isn't it? I feel as though my life is revolving around him. I have to adapt to everthing that he wants, you know. I don't like that. I want my own life back. Can I actually get it back if i go on like this?

My exams are nearly finish. I've got few more papers to go and i'll be done. Moving on the holidays that are coming near. I obviously have no plans. What the heck? I don't get to talk to izzat tonight because i'm not sure where he has wander off too. Fuck that.. I don't even want to talk about that. My day was alright. Met Lira, ann and shaz. Had lots of laugh with them. As usual, always gossiping about shit in life. hhehe. As the night went on, something just had to spoil it. I need to be more understanding and patient. I just can't tho!! Fuck it!! I'm not in the mood to write on this stupid blog. Still thinking whether or not to wait for his call. I guess I shouldnt. Cuz I dont know whats going on with him. So let's just screw this bullshit and get on with miserable life.
-dkm

to him**

When you get to read this, just remember that I love you with all my heart. I heart you, izzat. You are everything. You may be a mind teaser, but that's the thing that makes you so mind-blowing. I might not be able to say it on the phone, but you just need to know that all of this is in my thought. I've always thought that dancing would be the best cure of all pain but I was wrong. Since I met you, it all changed. You came walking into my life and made it so bright. You are one of a kind. No, actually you’re one in a million. Izzat, I want to see you and hear your voice at the same time. I wish I could do that every night and everyday of this period. But all I know is that, you can’t always get what you want. Time passes by so fast when I’m with you. One day felt as if it’s like few hours. Without you, it feels like a few days. You are the sunshine that has shone through my window every morning when I wake up. Wondrous night has been but a sweet memory for both you and I. I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, no matter how occupied I am. It doesn’t matter what I’m caught up in. It isn’t enough to be the barricades of you. Whenever I look at you, I’d always think that you’re just simply flawless. We’re both are so attached. We need each other like the trees need the sun. We’re so in love together and won’t be able to depart like our own nails. I’m really happy for both of us that I just don’t know what to say anymore. Tears are shed alongside. Tears are dropping down from my chubby cheeks. Don’t worry Izzat; these are what I call the tears of joy. You may not realize that I love you very much. It won’t be able to show itself like physical wise. Love is something hidden. It’s like a mystery that is just waiting to be solved by two people. I have declared this mystery solved by you and I. The mystery of love that was hidden behind the strange maze. All these things are strange yet beautiful. I have always wondered whether a beautiful paradise actually exists. Now, I have found out that there is such thing. It’s right here on earth. I just need to share it with the right person. He was the key to open the door to the paradise. Here we are, being all happy in our own little world. The paradise is one of the most beautiful things on earth. It’s really an eye-opener. Glad.

(math)

You know how i've been talking about me hating math and crap. Well, today I found out I passed it. Hehehe. Didn't know I would pass it. I mean, in my heart it kept on saying that I would fail. I'm actually very happy about this. Today, I had my business studies and history exams. History was alright and business was alright too. I didn't expect business would be like that. I predicted a harder paper to come out. Guess, I was wrong. So happy!!!!
-dkm

^^Surprised^^

This post is specifically to the girls out there.....

You know when you have a boyfriend, one of the things that excite you is the monthly anniversary. I mean, if you always stay with a guy for months then maybe it wouldn't be that exciting. For me, as we all know I don't stay with a guy more than a month. So two days ago, I was thinking about the anniversary. Plus, I couldn't remember when was it. I did write it in my journal though. Going on with that, I asked Izzat whether he remembered it or not. Surprisingly, he said yes. I was shocked. Not many guys bother about this things. One of the reasons that made me more attracted to him. Beautiful Distraction, I call him. The day will come soon enough. I can't wait. The only sad thing is that, I'm not going to be here on that day itself. I'll be off at my prefects' camp. Maybe, I wouldnt have to go. I'm not bothered to go. But because, i really want that sports captain post I suppose i'm forced to go.

To be shy or not to be shy?

Once you're together with a person. I don't think you would have to be shy anymore. Look at it this way, if you are shy it shows that you're still not comfortable with that person. With my previous boyfriends, I've been shy with them. When it comes to this particular one, i'm not at all shy. Don't go thinking so far about this. I'm saying that, if you love someone, eventually you realized that you need to be comfortable with them. I'm happy that we're both are two different people. Totally rwo different character + attitude. That is the thing that makes us 'one'! I mean, if we both have the same thing going on, then it'll be a double.

Patience...*blurgh*
Patience is virtue. I know I know, I dont have much patience. Most humans on this earth needs it a lot. I have to admit that I am definitely lack of patience. I get irritated, annoyed, angry and agitated. Whether or not it's a small thing. That's not the point, i'll still get annoyed. Muahahaha. I know it isnt good but i'm not sure how i can store patience in myself. In my family, patience is nowhere in the house. The only person who has patience is my darling sister(yazmin). Other than, not a single one. Well, with izzat beside me. He is trying his best to help me get some patience into my system. I'm sure Farah and Kaly are doing the same thing. Just in a different way. Love all of you guys to bits.

Spread the love....<3
Not many people would think that i'm the type of girl who would love something so much to the extend that I would do anything for that person or something. I have to say that, even by looking at my own mirror, it does not at all potray that face. In the inside, it's totally different. Most people would be shocked. It has been said by 3 of my girls that, I may be rough but i'm a girly-gurl in the inside. I like that. Sometimes, if i become too nice to people, they'll start stepping on my head and take advantage of me. Taking me for granted. That has happen one too many times. I mean, i'll get fed up of it. In the end, i'll be the one that gets hurt. I have this really bitchy + 'dont mess with me' attitude. I try to keep on this image and attitude on me so that, noone will ever step on my head again! Yes, some people might be whining and complaining about my horrible and terrible attitude. The only problem is that, they dont know who i really am. So therefore, the only solution is to shut up or just hang out with me. Many people question me and shit like that regarding my attitude. But whatever it is, its my life so stay the fuck away. ahahaaha..

-dkm

+ + miscellaneous + +

The different thoughts in this post. I didn't update my blog for like a day. It seems like i've missed out a lot. So i'm going to list it all first. It'll be as follow;

1. What a weird theory...
2. My weakness is getting out of hand.
3. Why don't I dare tell it to your face?
4. Could that be true? Would you?

What a weird theory...

I have been thinking a lot about this theory of mine. The problem was that, I wasn't sure whether I could call it a theory yet or not. I wasn't sure about it at first. But judging by all the things I have encountered, maybe now I have the right to say it. I don't think anything in this world is original anymore. Why don't you think about it yourself? I mean, this world has existed for thousands of years. So therefore, most things are already discovered by people. You know how you discover things, you might think noone has discovered it yet. But how sure of that can you be? You don't know the whole world to be able to say that. Someone else out there might have discovered the same thing and said exactly the same thing that you did. Well, this may not be true but I dont know. This is what I think. muahahaha.

My weakness is getting out of hand..

I don't understand why my weakness is getting out of hand. I get all agitated and i'll start to shiver. It's annoying. I mean, I used to be able to control my emotions but lately, it's all going haywire. Maybe because I've got too many things on my mind. Two nights ago, I had a little problem. The problem is something that should not be told here. Wrong people who would get to read this would be able to use it agaisnt me in future. Anyways, I couldn't control it and i started to shiver. Then, I couldnt breathe. The funny part was that, I was trying to look for my inhaler and couldnt find it. My room is in a mess because i threw everything all over the place. Plus, this could be happening also because i'm ill. So yeah. I think, the whole system is getting triggered. Like the domino effect. Other than that, i'll explain later....

Why dont I dare tell it to your face?

Surprisingly, I dare not tell it to your face because i'm very much intimidated by you. It's kind of weird because as we all know, I dont get intimidated by anyone but my family and god. I'm glad that you could actually control me. Whatever it is, I really didn't dare tell you that I wanted to stay at the party. I didn't want to cancel the plans that you made to go to hartamas. So I just had to go. Thus, all my friends from the uk and aussie land were in Zouk. I didn't like looking at your face all bored. Looking at your face like that, spoilt my mood as well. I dont want you to not have fun. I dont want to be selfish. I keep on making the plans and I keep on having fun alone. Even if you say you're having fun, do you actually think i'm going to believe that? Think about it, your facial expression doesnt say it at all. Well, that's not for me to know is it. We'll just see it for ourselves soon enough.

Could that be true? Would you?

Funny comment that my mum made today at breakfast. She said that, it's possible for you break up with me due to my horrible attitude. I was thinking about it. While I was thinking, all this time i've known you. Not once have I ever tried to be someone else infront of you. I showed you my true colours and yet you still go out with me. But could there be more beneath my horrible attitude? I sometime wonder a lot about that. I want to know but you won't tell me. I'm not sure whether i'm doing the right thing but thinking about this a lot. It could help me in some stuff tho. The problem is, my mum doesn't know how I act when we're alone. I always scream and shout at home. That doesnt mean I do it outside. Well, sometime but I dont scream at you. Do I? Aiyoyoyoyo.. There are so many things going across my mind. But everytime I see your face, it'll be blown away into the air. I'm glad you're in my life and not anybody else. No replacement. Love you izzat.

-dkm

The reasons for it..

The reasons why I get irritated with you.. always.. always..

1. You keep on making me think about you all the time. I know it's not your fault but please get a handphone earlier!! So I can easily call.
2. You're always taking your own sweet time as if the whole world is revolving around you.
3. You never tell me the solid plan of something. Always going with the flow and leave me hanging on one side and wondering what we going to do next.
4. You are really indecisive, I have to be the one always making plans. (which sometime makes me feel really selfish tau!!)
5. You always wake up late.
6. You never call me after school.

Trust me, there are actually more to this list. I just can't think of any right now. So whatever.

-dkm

23rd June '05

Ya Allah!! Sangap gilerr!! Today, exam finished at 10.45am. Math was alright but i'm still failing. Second paper was physics! *argh* It was mad + crazy! I'm so lucky that it was Multiple Choice Question(MCQ). Right now, i'm in geography class doing nothing. There's absolutely nothing to do in here! I'm sitting at one place and listening to everybody's conversation. Especially that black girl with the awful body odour. Yeah, she's here infront of me. I'm just staring at the white board and trying to think. I can smell her from miles away. *darn* It's not very pleasant. *pfft* Gee, now they're singing too!! Cant they just shut up!! AH! *alalalallalala* All I want is my ciggy. I want to puff my lives away. Wouldn't it be nice if you could blow it all away? And it'll just disappear in thin air. I'm not sure what's going on because this class is going mad!! *pulling my hair* They are so retarded! God, help me please. At this moment I need help. I'm desperate. They're all being so childish. I wish I could be like that too but i'm just not in the right mood. I'm ill and I dont feel like jumping around. They're spraying this water thingyy towards each other. I dont mind them doing that. Just hoping for it not to reach me. I know, if it does i'm going to start shouting at them. Well, eventually it did. I kept quiet tho. hahahah. The spraying game continued on as if it was so hilarious. More people came to join the game. I got a bit confused. What was so fun about that game? I looked at it as if it was drugs. Heheh. Cuz the people who came in class with an awful face became all hyper after being sprayed by that water mist.

My days have been so lonely. Wait a min, isnt that like not surprising at all?? I'm not even sure whether I chose this path or direction. Maybe, this is the way that 'HE' wants me to go. I will never know that something even greater than anything is waiting for me in the future. Well, I dont live in this world to think about my future all the time. We need to be a bit spontaneous sometimes. Meditated is great but not all the time! Another thought could be that, this all could be the reality of my life. All these years that i've been alive, I could be living a dream. I could have been in a deep sleep where nothing could disturb me. Suddenly, someone just slapped me and got me out of bed. Telling me to wash up and open my eyes. I would never think that it could be this bad. All I know is that my reality is turning into a dream again. Why you may ask? It's because i'm starting to restore my confidence again. Everything is falling into place except for my grades!! I have people who loves me. I mean, what more could i ask? besides all the materials that are out in stores now!! Hhehehe.

Today I had a really bad tummy ache! *ouchies* Couldnt stop vomiting. I practically lost all my taste buds. Now, I dont taste anything anymore. Everything tastes so bitter. (my boyfriend had a thought that im actually forcing myself to vomit). Thanks! *ahaks* I got home at 1.15pm. Abang picked me up. Which I thought that was very nice and sincere for him to do that for me. Under normal circumstances, he'll be the last person to even volunteer. Hehehe. As i got in the care, he was telling me that i should have just stayed in school for another 45mins but I just couldnt. I mean, the boredom was killing me inside and out. One chinese kid tried to pick a fight with me. For the most stupid things, my friends and I were discussing something about math. He came into the class and started talking out loud to all my friends and rudely interupting me. I told him to stop it instead he continued and pretend i wasnt there. I stood up and shouted at him. Had a few good combats and that made him shut up. *blurgh* Loser!!.... I brought my Ipod with me to school, so I was just enjoying my time alone in class listening to some house music to get my mind off some stuff. Soon after, students just had to come and destroy my peace!! The annoyance and disturbance was totally inevitable!!

Anyways, weekend is close by. I have a party to attend tomorrow. A birthday party. Finally I can have fun without having to look at that bitches and losers' face in school!! *close mouth* ooooppsssieees, did i say that on my blog? What happens if they read this? They're going to hate me more! Oh no!! Well, one thing for sure is that they are pathetic human beings that loves ruining peoples' lives.

As usual after school, I got home I fell asleep for a bit. Before I could even go into my dream, izzat called. Spoke to him and made plans. Went to his house and just chilled there. Didnt enjoy myself much. Was too sick to do anything. I got home early from izzat's house. I couldnt stand being outside my home when i'm sick. As i got home, my temperature rose up fast. My maid took some ice and placed it on my head. I fell asleep infront of the tv with my little brother. We were actually watching treasure planet. I'm still feeling really ill. I dont know why. I have this awful headache. I cant live like this. I'll be too miserable. Izzat is out somewhere with his sister buying credit. He's actually suppose to call me back in twenty minutes. But as i look at the time, it has been half an hour and no calls. I cant blame him. He has been like that. So i'm not going to say anything about it now. No point. But now, im really sick!! no pretence!! *darnit* Wish I was well....

One more thing before I end this post. I AM SO FORGETFUL BECAUSE I HAVE MY ISLAM EXAMS TOMORROW AND I LEFT MY NOTES IN MY LOCKER. So what does this lead to? Me failing islam!! Bingo!! *sounds of winning bell* 100 points for those who said it!! I dont know, i know itll bring down my average. But what can i do? My brain isnt working that well! *sigh* Deena deena deena, once a mistake, twice a fool and third a habit!! By the way, my dreams are getting really freaky by the day. I've found some weird scratches on my body too! Weird huh??
-dkm

ape2 je larh.....

What is this? One thing I hate is my own boyfriend not calling me. I know I cant ask for too much but he never calls me. I want him to call me once i'm back from school. There is no excuse he can give me besides the point that he doesn't have a phone. But there's always his sister's phone. Is it so much to ask? Thus, I've been having exams. Coming back home being all stressed out with him not calling. Like today, I want him to call me so much. I was at the verge to cry. So many things came across my mind. My parents are being total bitch towards me and I didnt like it. All I needed was a little affection from someone.

Exams today was alright. I thought that math would be a pain in the brain. I was wrong. It was pretty alright. Altho, i didnt get to answer some questions tho. Hehehe. English was alright. It was essay. So I guess, i'll be fine since I love writing so much. Going on to the next thing, teachers were talking about the sports captain position today. Mentioning it infront of me. They were saying that the votes are going to be out soon. They're going to announce it on my speech day. I can't wait for that day, where i'll just break down and cry. I know for a fact I wont get the position. So should I even bother going to the occasion? Prefects camp are coming soon after my exams are finish. Apparently, that is where the evaluation going to be made. Whether we'll be the permanent prefects or not. Over there, they're going to give us some test to see how we solve stuff. I didnt really bother hearing what they have to say. I dont think I would get to be anything that I want too. Plus, I was asleep most of the time I was in school. I was dead bored. Well, that's it for this post... I'll put up more soon.. very soon.. maybe like in a few hours..
-dkm

again with izzat.. u guys will get bored of this..

Today, another day that I spent with him. Although it was a short span of time but I had so much laughing and merajuk-ing with him. After school, I was suppose to go to his house straight away. Knowing me, I was taking my own sweet time with my lazy ass. Hehe. So I reached his house at 3pm. It wasn't that late. It's not as if he was waiting for me or anything. When I reached there, he was sleeping in yasmin's room. I went in there and started to disturb him. Few minutes later, he told me to stay put and he went into his room to get something. The thing that was going on in my thought was maybe that he was going to change or get his face wash or something. I was in yasmin's room, laying down and made myself comfortable. As he walked in the room, I was surprised to see that he was holding a sunflower in his hand to give it to me. I was shocked because I can't remember telling him that i love sunflowers. I was speechless but thank god the word thank you came out of my mouth. My face was flushed but I know he didnt see it. Everything went on as normal but now i keep on thinking what to give him. I dont want to buy him clothes or anything. Dont want to seem materialistic. I really want to do something for him though. Something really creative and from my own hands. Still can't believe that he did that for me. I love him even more for that. My hands are getting really tired, so i'll continue tomorrow..
-dkm

one more year to go with school....

I have got one more year to go with school. I feel as if i'm still in form one. Well, that's where I wish I am. So then, I could still play a fool and act as if nothing was coming for me. Now, we all have to be serious and show good example to our juniors. I want to be the junior one. I used to remember those days when I said, I wanted to finish school fast so I could have freedom and all that crap. I dont want it to be like that anymore. I want to be back in form 2 or 3. School is going to end soon. To be more precised, it's going to end in like 2 weeks. Can you believe it? After that, i'll be in year 11!! Oh no! I'd have to study hard for my IGCSE and be all serious. There is still one thing I want to achieve in school though. I want to get the position of a sports captain. If you ask me whether I think i'm capable or not, I'd have to say that I am proudly. So many things are on my mind and I just can't stop thinking of the fact that i'm going to face the major exams in a few months. It's not even one year if you really count it thoroughly. Its way less than that!!! I guess, all teenagers have to go through that. Whether they like it or not.

Wow, exam has started already! Not to mention this would be the examination that would determined whether you are good enough to pass year 10 to get to year 11. Year 10 is coming to an end. Well, atleast for some of us, for those selected one they could be retained, possibly like me!!

There are so many memories to be remembered. Since I was in year 7 till now! There were many fights that I had to put up with, discovered new things alongside and had more experienced than ever. So I guess that, it was all for a good cost. I would always love those time when 'we' all laughed together. There was a time that we even cried together. Love, laughter and tears were shared amongst us.

I thought of this long time ago, but never came to it. One of the reason that you go to school for, are because of your friends. You just love to socialize around and talk to them. I mean, how many of us actually go to school for education but what happens if you just lose all your friends in one shot. You have nothing then. There will be no point to even go to school anymore. You will feel as if you've lost your world and nothing would every be able to pick it up again. Just try to imagine that, today you have almost the whole school by your side. Always supporting and motivating you. One day, you go to school and suddenly, everyone is agaisnt you. It happens so fast. *pooff*

One of the best thing about school is the party, camps and etc.You just have a blast over there at those places. I'm going to admit that, once school is done and over with. I will miss it to the max. Along with the people i've met and everything else. The thing that i would miss the most in the school bell. hehehe. It's just so classic. No other school has got that bell!! It's like an ice-cream truck!!! I would love if i could give out a speech on prom night!! It'll be the bomb-ing shit...

That's not all for this post.. There will be more coming.. I dont even think anyone would bother reading this.. its really long in it? hehehe. well if you are reading it, just enjoy it.. loving the people out there.. you know who you are..
-dkm

Today. First day of examination.

Today was the first day. I had my computer practical and theory exams. I won't say it's easy but if I studied for it then maybe it would be easy. The problem was, I didn't have the complete notes nor did I have the book to study for it. It was funny though. The theory was alright, I didn't break my head or anything. When it came to the practical part of the the paper, I got a bit nervous because I totally forgotten how to create a website. Thanks to me remembering about my blog, I remembered a few things. It was going really smooth until the electricity went out. The whole school blacked out! I didn't even get to save my work. Due to that, I had to re-do all the shit I did. It was such a hassle. They had a vote whether we should take a new paper or go on with the same one. I didn't say anything to it. I kept quiet 'cause i'd be ok with anything. I was one of the earliest student to finish my paper but our teacher gave us extra time to do the work. Now, i'm biting my nails and cracking my head on what to study for physics and math. These are the two subject I hate most. Trust me, i'm not alone in this one. Tomorrow would be my english exam, paper one. So wish me luck. Actually, luck is not what I need. I need some knowledge. Hehe. That's it for this post. More to come...
-dkm

"we met.. long after, 'it' happened.."

I'm not sure whether most people would remember when they met their love one. Well, I definitely remember when I first met izzat. It was at a friend's party. More or less like a house party. A small gathering. At that time, he had a thing going on with this particular girl who I wasn't very fond of. We weren't talking so much. Due to the reason that he doesn't talk so much. He was really quiet. When I got to that party and met everyone, I started flirting with this other guy who I thought was cute. Gee, I regret flirting with him. He is so poyo!! I never actually spoke to izzat on that day. I mean, he didn't talk much so I didn't bother trying to make a conversation with him. Plus, the other guy was already entertaining me. After that day, i got his number but I didn't bother calling him. Soon after, I met him occasionally. I started having a crush on him. But i continued and kept quiet about it. This was like a year ago.

Few months after that, I keep on seeing him in ampang point playing foosball with his bunch of friends. It was nothing at first. I was having something with this other guy, a different one. Suddenly, I got to talk to him a bit and he started making me laugh and always making me smile. Always ready with his funny jokes and funny acts. I started liking him slowly. Everytime he came to ampang point, I would get over excited. I remembered that everytime he came, I would always start jumping without fail. I would be so happy to see his face there. Once i'm infront of him, i'll control and act as if nothing is happening. We'll have our little little flirts, was nothing though.

One day, I just decided to ask him whether he had a girlfriend. I didn't know where I got the guts to ask him that question but I just did. He answered yes, so I got a bit pushed away. It made me feel as though I just fell deep into the ground. So I thought of giving up and just leaving it the way it was. When I asked him that question, he kept on asking me why I asked him that? I couldn't tell him the truth, it would be too embarassing for me.

So few weeks after, there was a party that was organized by my friends. It was a whole bunch of them organizing it. I was invited to it and he was one of the people in that group. Like normal, I went to that party. Had lots of fun over there. The whole night I was flirting with another guy. He was busy taking care of the front. That night, he kept on shooting me with the video camera. I was really shy, because I know I dont at all look good in cameras. As in video cameras. I look horrible!! After the party end, most of his friends were going to his house. One of them invited me, I didn't want to go at first. I felt awkward because I didn't know izzat really well at that time. His bestfriend was texting me while he was at izzat's house. Asking me to go there and accompany him. So i did. I went for his bestfriend and had no cruel intentions or whatsoever.

It was already early in the morning, we had so much fun laughing together. Jokes were exchange throughout the night. I got tired, soon after I was just laying down on the bed. Izzat just happened to be beside me at that time. His girlfriend was there in the house, under the same roof. Everything happened on that night. Well, not literally everything. But that was what made us started realize something different! A lot of people busted us hugging and laying down really close next to each other. I enjoyed it of course, maybe because I liked him!! Du-uh!! I went back home at around 2pm. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened on that day. I didn't know any way to contact him, so I just left it that way.

Surprisingly, I started talking to his friends and it went on. I went to hartamas in the middle of the night with his friend named syahmi and him. I ignored him the whole night, because he act as if nothing happened. So I got a bit affected! I had a filthy face on! He couldn't stand it, he asked me whats wrong. I answered nothing and just turned away. Was being a total bitch towards him. After that night, we started talking a lot and hung out a lot. That's when it all started. What happens after that, i'm not really going to tell you. That one must leave it out. It's for me to know, and for you to find out! I love izzat. Thats it.
-dkm

Smoking Kills!

As much as we all know how smoking kills, yet we still do it right? I remembered the first time I tried smoking, it was infront of my school. A weird place to try it. It was with my seniors. Latisha and some of the boys. I'm not saying that they were the one that influenced me to do it. I was the one that had an itchy hands that wanted to try it.

When I first tried it, it felt cool with the smoke coming out from your mouth. After that day, I kept going with those same group and taking their cigarrete of them. I kept smoking but I never did inhale the smoke at first. Soon after, I realize that i'm buying my own cigarretes from shops. I mean, one advantage that I have is my old face. I look old enough to buy ciggy without them asking me for my ID. Heheh. Then, the same seniors taught me how to inhale it. I tried it and started coughing non stop!! At that time, I cant say that I was addicted to it. I could have stopped it but I refused to! I mean, look at me now. I'm trying to quit but iNo'm surrounded by people who smokes. I can even say that I smoke more than my boyfriend. And he started way before I did! I regret trying it. Now, my throat hurts and everything else.

The nicotine triggered my gastric and I kept on vomitting non stop. Yet, that doesnt make me stop at all. I kept on going with it and ignore the fact that i'm sick cuz of that. How much of an ignorant can i be? A tough one ey? Hahaha. Now, smoking is a part of my life.

As for my parents, they know that I smoke but my mum is in denial of it. I've got caught once or twice. I still cant stop it. My brother hates me for smoking. I know its for my own good but may be im just not ready to stop yet. There will come a time that i fall really sick till i cant get up. Then, maybe ill stop smoking. For now, ciggy helps me a lot. I remembered how my anger used to be before i started puffing on those sticks! Now, im a bit more calm.

Recently, ive been puffing away my life a bit too much. I prefusely smoke like a chimney. In the end, im the one that gets drowsy and feel really sick. Many of my friends has told me to stop and slow down. I just cant do that. I'm trying so hard to do that. The only time I stop was because I was so sick till i couldnt get up. Once i got better, i started again and forgot about the incident. I'd have to say that i'm really stuborn. Nothing can get through my head! Well, smoking kills!!! So dont even bother trying it. *pfftt* WHY DID I TRY IT????
-dkm

Those pills.. aftermath??

There is something about those little pills,
The thrills,
That kills,
The million brain cells.

Those pills are just one of those things that makes a hole in your brain. Each and everyone you take, it'll engraved a beautiful circle on your brain. But have you ever tried it? and felt the feeling that you will never experience in your life naturally?
It does so much damage to your head but you have so much fun with it. Some people take it to escape from their problems in life. Everyday you hear the same thing from your friends. They'll tell you that its bad and you die earlier. But do they know what they're talking about? If they havent tried it, I dont think they have the right to tell you that. I wish I could take it everyday. To think about how much it fucks your mind up, you'd have to think twice.

After you take the pill, you would feel normal. Give it 20-30mins and then you'll feel it kick in into you. It'll be like a roller coaster ride. You would go up slowly. You'll feel happy and nothing in this world can disturb that. No disturbance would be able to destroy the feeling inside you. You'd really feel as if you're flying in the air with the birds. Smile would be as wide as the open sea. Then, slowly it'll go higher and higher. The music would just get better and better. Everyone around you just seemed so friendly. You will love and you'll bound to spread some love. Hugging everyone once you're under the influence of drugs is normal.

Once, you hit the peak of it! That's when the feeling arise and you will never be able to explain the feeling. It is just so amazing. That is the one that makes you get addicted to it. That is the only thing!! You will feel like you wanna dance all night long. Nothing can touch you!!! PROZAC NATION ROCKS!!!
Just deal with drugs, spit on alcohol!!
-dkm

We're friends???

Think about this, why do people like each other when they first meet? It's not because of the looks or anything like that. It's actually about something in common that they can find in each other. I mean, lets say you're talking about a topic that doesn't interest anyone else except for that one person that you've just met. You will just naturally like her and wanting to hear about what she has to say. And because of that, you guys will consider each other friends?
Without knowing anything about him/her, you'll love her because she supports or motivates you to do things that you want to do. It doesn't matter whether its bad or good. It makes no difference.
The story only starts once you both have gotten to know each other better. Then, the true colours comes out. I realized that only today. Weird isnt it?
-dkm

two weeks.....

Two weeks passed by!! I'm so happy for myself. Relationship going smooth. No more problems. No more hassle! Just loving it. Today, I went to klcc. Suppose to meet this guy named syahmi. But he ditched me and went with his own plans. That didn't matter to me much, i understood why he had to do that. So I kept quiet.
I miss izzat to death right now. Didn't really see him today. Spent a few minutes at his house with him and then, he had to go to his grandma's place. It was indeed a very sad departure. I miss him quite a bit right now. It's sad that I can't see him tonight. He is all the way in Putrajaya. To me, that's blooooody far! I mean, I would go there just to see him. But because of the situation i'm in right now with my parents, it doesnt allow me too. I don't mind sneaking out. I need to think about it twice. The last time I did that, I got into so much trouble. Literally, SO MUCH TROUBLE!!
I can't talk to him as well. He doesn't have his own phone, which annoys me. I can't do anything much. I sure dont mind buying him a phone, but he doesnt allow me to. He insist on me waiting for him to get a phone. As long as I get to talk to him every night then, ill be fine.
Each day I see him, I tend to be falling for him. For the every bit of him. I mean, to me all his imperfections are the perfections of his. Wait a min, do you understand what I just said? Well, if you didnt, then you're stupid. Not me. Hahaha. I am a bit stupid tho. I still havent studied for my exams and it's coming in like two days.
I know if I fail my examinations, I won't be able to see izzat. Not only him, my other friends too. I can just say bye bye to my social life and get on with my life being all depressed.
As i type this out, at the same time i'm waiting for someone to pick up the phone so I could speak to izzat. NO!!! The phone is not being picked uP!! I'm getting so annoyed and frustrated! I want to see him now. Why can't I see him? I miss him so much. Not to forget about the kisses! And the caressing!!
Thus, i'm glad that i'm actually settling down and loving only one person at a time! hehehe. Thank god for that!! I have nothing else to write cuz I just can't stop thinking about Izzat. Does anyone out there care tho? I didn't think so too. So yeah, forget it. All I know is that, he is mine!!
-dkm

White Or Black?

What have I done? I met with my boyfriend today at his house. I went there without him knowing anything. It was all planned between his sister named yasmin and I. I had loads of fun with his little sister. Many would think that purposely getting close to the siblings to steal his heart. Well, that's not at all my intention. I just love the way yasmin is. She is cute and always laughing. Reminds me of myself. Everything went well at that time. I got there and I saw him sleeping. Looking at him sleep was so peaceful. As I look at him and stared at him being asleep, it felt as if nothing could wake him up. Not even the nuclear bomb, even if it has explode right beside him. I thought the best would not to wake him up. But I just missed him so much. So in the end, I did. When I sat on the bed and was about to lay my hands on his body, he woke up and smiled at me. His eyes were as small as an asian boy. Many things that I want to say but I dont think that this would be the right place to write it down.
As usual, we went to ampang point after that to play a few foosball games. His bestfriend came along and brought a smile together with him. I've always loved the company of his bestfriend. A very happy-go-lucky boy. Jovial, indeed. Anyhow, one thing bad about hanging out with his bestfriend is that he keeps on coming with bad news for me. It's not done on purpose. It's just that, he wanted to tell the truth. So I just had to take it. Today, he told me about the same thing that he has been telling me. He told me about izzat's girlfriend. How she felt and other stuff. Of course, that kind of things got me a bit here and there. I got a bit ticked off, so the mistake I did was to take my anger on Izzat. I wanted to say sorry, but my ego was too high and it didnt come out from my mouth. If you(izzat) happens to read this, I want to say sorry for making faces just now. I didnt know that you've made your decision. I love you so much and I'm really sorry. Whatever it is, I'm glad that you've finally made your decision that i've been waiting for patiently. I hope you, yourself are happy with the decision that you have made. Because I want you to remember that, that is no use to make a decision and you're not happy with it. Just because you want the other person to be happy. I want both of us to be happy. Anyways, I want to wait till he calls me. I will tell him that i'm sorry.... I feel as though i'm in platform of grey colour. I'm not sure what's wrong or right. Basically, that's either black or white.. I still love him...
-dkm

DevilFly!!

The name DevilFly was created by my sister and I. She loved butterflies so much and I loved Devil. We put them together and that's what it became. Just recently, we have been planning about naming our clothing line DevilFly. Honestly, I think it's a very catchy and funky name. We'll see all those funky but elegant clothes. Our dreams are big but we can mend it into reality. Just need a bit of hardwork and dedication. *poof* We'll be millionaires. Hehe. Our logo, would consist of two characters. An awesome plan.
-dkm

Satan...??

This world is full of satan. Hahaha. Can't you just see it? I mean, it's obvious. The people who surrounds are just so cruel. I was watching the news today(which is really weird), and I saw how it was. I mean, what is the world turning into? It's crazy! There are more kids dying each day!! Getting raped, murdered, and all those shit. But who am I to say all these? It's not as if they're going to come to my blog and read this. Hahaha. Atleast, I know I have a heart who cares. Hehehe. Whatever it is, may all the kids rest in peace!
-dkm

**pointing my finger out to izzat**

I love you so much sayang. I'm getting so lost in the paradise of love with you. I need a map to find reality, you're so amazing. I know i've said that many times in my blogs before but being with you makes my life so mind-blowing. I can't stop thinking about you. You are the sweetest thing. Tears are rolling down my cheeks when you said those things to me on the net. I know saying it on the net doesn't sound all that romantic. It doesnt matter about that, when it comes to you. I love you sayang. The word I love you is not enough to describe my love for you. Its been two weeks. Yet, I still have butterflies in my tummy. I want you to know that i'm always thinking about you. Night and day. Even when i'm fast asleep. I would do anything for you. Sacrifice anything you want me to. My heart has finally surrendered to you. You and only you. It has finally opened just for you. I'm going to commit myself to you. I want to dedicate myself to you. I know I sound a bit too corny but this is how I feel. I'm just telling you the truth. I'm waiting patiently for my testimonial. I dont care how long it'll take. All I want right now is you. I cant get you out of my mind. You have made me fall in love with you so much. Sayang, you make me smile so much. Nothing in this world can do that. Honestly, I love the way you are. You're just perfect. I may have repeated some of the facts about you. I'm so speechless do the things you said to me. Forgive me if ive said or done anything wrong. My intentions for you are so pure and true. Could this be true love for me? I've never felt like this before. Could I be fooling myself, izzat? What do you think baby? I'm so lost whenever I look into your eyes. You're just mine! I hope noone will ever take you away from me. I would never do anything to damage our relationship. Sayang, I want to dedicate a song for you. You may take it in another way cause it's from two gays singing together. But i'm the one dedicating it to you. Here it goes,

Extreme - More than words.

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words**

More than words sayang. I love you. If you have wrote the testimonial by now, I want to thank you for the effort that you've put in. But if not, it's ok. It's always the thought that counts. Nothing else matters to me. I swear. I would do anything for you.
-dkm