everyday thingg...

Another day has passed by but this time things are getting a little better for me. I’m going to have that special someone. I’m going to feel the rush in my body again of chasing a guy and having to become so shy around him. I want to tell the whole world that I am over Izzat and it took me exactly 3 months and 4 days. I guess that’s pretty alright for a first love thing.

I found out that he sort of ran away from home again. I hope the mum realizes at the fact that this time, he didn’t do it for me or with me. I mean, all these time she’s been saying that I’ve been corrupting her son and so on. I proved everyone in his family wrong. Good things do come for you when you just wait for it. I am so happy that it happened. I got a bit worried for him though. I maybe over him but it’s a definite fact that I still love him dearly. Soft pot for him is a guaranteed in my heart.

I have a boyfriend which I don’t really adore so I figured maybe right now is not the right time to have a fixed or permanent boyfriend. I want a guy to be by my side to comfort me at the times I need him but not all the time. I don’t want any commitment to be going on right now. My exams are so close and I need to finish up. Maybe after that, I’ll open up my eyes to go look for someone out there who’ll treat me better.

2 weeks ago I met another guy named alang at hartamas. We were all having really late supper before the love of my life (mareez) went back to England. As I sat there being the only girl, I watched everyone around me being drunk. Knowing me, I don’t drink. Well not all the time, maybe for some occasions. So as I sat there observing everyones’ move I turned to the front and I saw one of our friend came towards us. He brought he so called little brother with him. I stared at him and he was kind of cute. On that day itself I didn’t concentrate on him that much due to the reason that the love of my life was present there as well. So my focus went more to mareez then anyone on that table.

After mareez left, it was the same thing for me again. One day I started thinking about the alang guy and it was a coincidence that I was browsing through my photos and found him in the picture with beng chye. I looked and tried to just remember how he looked like. I was infactuated at the fact that he was so quiet and he had a great smile.

Now, all my friends are hooking me up with him. I feel really shy. I want to call him but I don’t have the guts too. Before I do get any further, I want to find out whether a chance between izzat and I still exist. If it really doesn’t, then maybe I’ll go for this guy. I want to get to know him first and see how well I can communicate with him. Apparently, he’s not fluent with his English and because of that, I’m not very fond of him. I am dying to call him though. I need someone to motivate me. I have enough motivation from mishal, ahnand and beng chye but that’s it. I am still so malu.. It’s so annoying but I am glad that I get to feel this way again…

Right now, as I type this down I’m going to ask Izzat for the last time whether I do or do not have a chance with him. Once his answer has been set then I will then make my decision. For him, it’ll be the last of me. Obviously he won’t regret it even for a bit. After all, I am the one whom he said that is always on the wrong side. Well, he never actually said it directly but I’m sure that’s where the path was leading me to. I miss him.. I don’t want to talk about him but sometimes, it comes out from the blue and that’s why I hate it so much.

The person who I am into now can’t really speak that much of English. Therefore, I don’t know how to actually start the conversation with him. I tried calling him and he picked up the phone but I froze for that moment and I don’t know what to say. I suck in malay and it just isn’t helping me. I ended up talking TO the phone. Literally.

6 more days to my mocks. I want to do well for some subject in mocks and do well for some in o levels. I need to do something about my math though. I am still looking for a tuition teacher that would be dedicated enough to teach me everyday but it’s really hard. I mean, I am not the only student in this world anyway. I can’t wait to call alang but I am so shy!!!

Next thing on my list is to call Izzat for one last time and pop the question to him. I am thinking of begging him for another chance but I’m not sure whether it’s worth it or not. I so want to call farah but I am not sure whether she’s still awake. Because my girlfriends are usually the type to sleep really early. Now I am left with one other girl called emma.

*sigh*
p.s: Decisions hasn’t been made. I’ll be sure to update once it has come into thought.
-dkm

To simply put it, I want you.

I want to be your companion,
and walk hand in hand.
Your strenght enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling,
scuffing feet and laughter,
sharing nights, not finished by the dark.

I want to be your confidant,
as you pen your deepest
thoughts, as your heartaches
bleeds and finally break free.
Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile
and giggle with you,
at nothing at all.

I want to be your lover,
and find the passions.
That move you to action.
I want to be the softness,
that induces you to trust.
I want to be the naughty,
that makes you come back for more.
I want to please you, sayang.

I want to share your breakfast,
and your dinner.
I want you in the shower,
and in your bed and
with soft steps to bring you munchies.
(I take mine as anything)
Your strong arms, the legs
that powerful you thrust,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire.

No, it is not secret. My sayang,
and to put it very simply,
I want you. Enough said.
-dkm

Rapture

There is a place for us,
that no one else can enter.
It is a place that holds no secrets,
only beauty, peace and understanding.

A place that we come to,
thinking we are one,
only to have our souls
fused together for a moment.

And in that moment, I know you;
every pore, every pulse,
every thought, every fear.
And I try not to love you more.

I feel myself laid bare before you,
and I feel content...
joyous that you are with me now,
loving me in my nakedness.
-dkm

It's just for that moment that I feel this way. When reality hits me, I'll come back to life. Knowing I have nothing to live for. Well, that's all going to change now. I want to get you but I had enough of being depressed over you. I want to show you that I am happy and I can live with or without you.

Passion's Flame

A touch, soft and tender.
A whisper, full of desire.
A gasp of sweet surrender,
as passion fuels the fire.

No words spoken between them,
no promises to be kept.
No lies being told tonight,
no looking back - no regrets.

Longing to hold each other,
such precious little time.
Both vowed to another,
being lonely their only crime.

Tomorrow bringing sorrow,
a brief moment of shame.
With the memory of this one night,
a release from passion's flame.
-dkm

Forgive me

To the ends of time I will love you my friend,
Knowing that you're gone leaves me a bend.

An angle to me you were so kind,
Raising my sprits with ways I can not find.

Over and over the days with you replayed,
Loving you so much wished you would have stayed.

I crossed a line which I know not fit,
Now each day I die a little bit.

An empty void replaces what I feel,
Growing sadder and sadder, will I ever heal.

From the feeling of love I felt for a friend.
-dkm

*jingle jingle*

It doesn't matter about anything in this world. All I know is that I wanted to give up on you. I did. But it hit me that, I might not want to give up. I don't want to lose or regret anything in my life anymore. I know I have been nothing but bad to you. I know that you don't believe in second chances. It's hard for me to show you that I am changing for you. I don't want to say that I am exactly changing for YOU but I am changing for the better because of you.

I noticed that, you can't appreciate the good if you don't see the bad. I have everything I want and I am not going to ask for anymore. I've got a good life, people around me who loves, good education, good food served on the table, family in awesome condition, good wealth and there's just many more to say.. What more can I ask for? Honestly in my heart I want you but I think if I have that, it'll be too much for me to handle.

Each day, there is a period time where I think of you. It's not a crime but I feel guilty everytime I do think of you. I want to let you know that I would always love you no matter what comes in between us. Everyone can go on talking shit about me to you. It's your decision to whether you want to listen to it or not. Peoples' mouth would always run like water. It'll be like the sea which has no ends around the world. That's what this world is all about.

Everytime you accuse me of being a slut. It hurts me but I know deep down in your heart you know the truth. The truth being that I am not. I am pure and I want to keep it that way for you. You were my first love and vice versa for you. I keep on thinking on the days where we used to spend so much time together. I thought that was love all about. Now I know that love is all about what's in the heart. As long as your heart has got good intentions that you are on the right side. If you really love that one person, you'd want him or her to be happy all the time. I wonder.. when that happens, if the other partner is not happy; is it fair?

Unbalanced is one of the most risky thing in love. It's true what they say, it's hard to describe the meaning of love. There are no perfect definition for love. Love shouldn't be listed in the dictionary because the meanings can go beyond recognition. You may call me emotional for all I care. People out there are so happy to see me in misery but the day would come for them. Once it have, I would be standing in front of you and comforting you.

I've had enough of being a bad person. The people in this world can do anything they want. Atleast I know myself that I have changed for the better and I hope slowly everyone would see it too. Tears are dried up, I've had enough of my life being so low at the core. I'm going to rise back up to the surface and prepare myself for more things to come in the future.
-dkm

It's out there...

There's just something out there that won't stop bugging me! I hate it! I'm going to write a really short blog because I am going to sleep soon. I don't want to stay up till late anymore. I need to repair my bio clock and i'm going to do it now. I have to do so many things tomorrow. Need to update on many things today but I don't have the mood so, I'll write it once I am freeeeeee. bye!
-dkm

Last Of Everything

I sat down thinking and for the past few days, the same thing keeps on coming up on my mind. It was about school. It's the last for everything. If I want to do something great to be remembered, this is the last time that I'll be able to do it. There's no more time left. Time is running out. We need to make a change before we leave the school. I don't have any outrageous ideas but I'd need to come up with one.

For example, today was my last sports day that I'll ever have in my school life. After this, there will be no more sports day for me. I wasn't happy to find out that my team got second for overall status. I really thought that we could win this year but the boys in my team didn't do that good. Sports day today was good. The weather was absolutely beautiful. There was no sun and it was just windy. I liked it. We weren't that tired since it's cooler. Our food sale for the prom fund raising didn't go to well. We kinda lost money on the pizzas. As for the drinks, it was really good. I got first for the relay today. Not to be perasan in any way but everyone at the stadium saw that I was the one that kicked everyones' ass as I ran the third race. Nini got it good. 4th year of winning the relay. Amazing!

Straight after sports day, I was heading home and needed to take a shower. I was so tired because the night before, I didn't sleep early and I had the night of excitement. Not too exciting though, no satisfaction! Soon after, I needed to go for casting at PJ. So I had to bring my ass up and get ready. I dressed up funky, just like what I was told to do. Things got a bit fucked up because some of them screwed up the plan. So the whole thing got delayed. The traffic was horrible. As I got to the casting agency, they took down my profile and shoot me with the video camera. They asked me to do some stuff and I did it perfectly! I doubt I'd get chosen though! While we, as in me, alang, kuzai and the twins. We had to pick them up from Ampcord Mall. They were hot, I have to say.

Sorry! Getting back to the story. While we were on the way back to ampang, the traffic jam was so bad that it almost killed me. Because alang was becoming really annoying in the car and I just couldn't stand it. Plus with all the headaches that I have and me being tired. Not a really pleasant combination. We took 3 hours to get to my house. Crazy ain't it?

I went to the Sri Utama prom night after the casting. The prom night was quite boring but it was alright after the party started. I saw a lot of my friends there and I was having a whole lot of fun. Even though, I was quiet than usual. What do you expect!! I was so tired. I went with adib, suraiya, faez, asyraff and his date. It was good. I drove the mini cooper, and heard that my big brother is going to the Uk for two weeks.
-dkm

Days go by and still I think of you...

Hmph! Days go by and still I think of you.. You is actually the examinations that is coming to bombard me in the month of May!! I am going to sit for my exams in May.. The last examination of my school, and I'm going to be a high school graduate. I don't know, I would have to say that I am nervous but I am not studying that hard for it. I guess, I'm just lazy. Sigh.

I went to school late, at about one o clock. Had to finish up some stuff. It was the last day to practise gymnastrada since the sports day is tomorrow. I know our house is going to lose tomorrow. We can see it coming. We lost almost all the long distance run to another house. I hate to lose. I know it's a part of the sportsmanship to show that you're happy for them but I don't give a fuck! Screw that! But if we do lose tomorrow, I am going to cry the shit out.

The practise today was not that good. As usual. The boys didn't cooperate that much with the girls so it was really hard to get them organized. I am so sick of their bullshit. They keep on resting every five minutes or so. Annoying isn't it. Sigh.

Tomorrow is the big day. We're going to work our ass of. I need to buy more body lotion though. The one that I have is almost finished and I need to keep my face from being burnt under the sun. I've got some casting to do tomorrow for coke. Cool ain't it? Alang called me up and asked me to go for it. We need to dress up a little bit of hip hop-ish. I'm quite excited, not too sure about getting featured but still excited for the whole trip to wherever that place is in PJ. I'm going to the Sri Utama Prom night with few of my friends from that school, I can't wait to see everyone dressing up looking all hot and scrumptious. Huahuahua. I want to see adib in his tux. He'd probably look damn good and I'd be shocked!

I might be going to cherating this weekend for a friend's birthday party. Not too sure about it though. I've got to come back the next day and it'll be tiring for me for school the next day. I don't need to skip anymore classes. Enough is enough. I need to learn on how to put a limit to everything and I need to start being serious with my studies. I know for a fact that if I fail, I will get killed by my parents. That's the last thing I want. They'll take away from my freedom and everything else from me. There goes my social life down the drain!!!! *screaming*

I forgot to say something, I had a little breakdown today in school. A friend of mine in school was talking about her relationship with her ex and it was more or less like mine. I started pouring out to her about mine and it made me think so much of him. I cried alone in the class after the bell rang. So no one would see me in tears. I was really upset knowing that he is over me. But I guess I should be happy for him and just let him go. I need to do that in order for him to be happy. When you're in love it doesn't matter about you getting hurt, as long as the other person is happy then I guess, it's okay.... I miss you, *****. Come back into my arms and tell me the same thing. Look into my eyes again and tell me that you love me. I miss the words that we have exchanged. I love you so dearly. It's trueee....
-dkm

Living in this black hole

I want to get out from this black hole. I want to! I want to! Come and take me away. Million miles away from here. Why can't I be happy? I want to be happy again! Please oh please make me happy again. I wish I could give you the world to you. I want to make you happy. It's nice to see you happy at a period of time. I hope you know when is the 'time' I am talking about. I want to take you to a paradise that has never been discovered by any human beings before. It's a paradise so beautiful that you could only see for that moment that we're going to have. I know I put you through things that wasn't suppose to be there. I know I've done many mistakes. Please forgive me. I wish I could change for you when we're together. Sadly enough, we're not together and you don't love me any longer. I know you have a person beside you to guide you to a better path. I hope you're happy and I will too. I want you to take care. I swear that if I ever find out that a person has hurt you in any way, I would kill her and would never leave her alone till she dies.
-dkm

I don't know where that came from. I was angry at one time and all of a sudden I fell into the mood of writing that piece of shit up there. Now I am in the mood to dance to hip hop music. See, how pyscho I am. Oh my gosh!! Even I cannot cope up with the pyscho-ness of myself. It gives me headaches once in awhile. Oh ya I forgot to update about what I did today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I was suppose to go the stadium in Cheras but because I was so tired from last night I woke up and I didn't want go. Plus my little brother didn't want to go either. We both had no event for today. It was for the people who was going to run long distance. I suck at that because I am a smoker and it's fucked up for the lungs. Hahahaha. But I had to go when I remembered that the drinks that we bought for the sale was in my car. Since my back hurt, I told my driver to drive me there. I got there and pass them the drinks. Soon after, I got home and went back to sleep. Woke up at around one in the afternoon for the hotel visiting. We needed to go and visit the hotel's ballroom for the prom night. We have made our decision to go with renaissance. The ballroom was just perfect and beautiful. I am so glad that I went. Sigh. Right after that we had gymnastrada practise and we were doing pretty alright. Tomorrow, we have to practise the whole day. So tiring and stupid. My team hasn't even reach one minute and that's really screwed up. Things were falling into place today and I saw one of my good friend.

We practised at a place called impiana. It's a condo and eidrix lives there. So we bumped into him. He came along with vito and danny. We hung out and had a bit of fun. I saw the real character of eidrix and boy! did i get shocked! hahahaha. I was done at 8 and went off to meet up with mishal and ahnand. I was chilling out with them and watched them play futsal. They were done at 10pm and I went and eat dinner with mishal and alang at ampang jaya. I haven't been eating a proper meal for a long time. I've been craving for my grandma's cooking! I need to balik kampung larh!!!

That's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-dkm

I hate YOU!!!! (shahar abdul salam)

A guy I knew who was the cutest thing on earth. I met him through my cousin(khalisa) at her house. It was way back when I was in form 2. His name is shahar, and he was really cute when he was young. Reality shows that he still is. He was danial's friend. Danial is khalisa's little brother. I never really got to know shahar then because danial doesn't allow me to. But after 2 years, I met him again at a place called brewball. I didn't remember who he was but his face was really familiar though. He got offended as I ask him for his name, because he remembered me perfectly. He can't blame me for that since I do know a whole lot of people. Having to remember their names is more or less like a big burden to me. I met him with my ex and we got to know each other well after that.

I went to a party and he entertained me most of the time. Giving me some of the most amazing compliments. I was really happy. At the party I made it seem like I was going to go for him but instead I was looking for my ex. That night was where it all begun.

As I got with my ex, shahar has always been the one that hangs out with us all the time. Most of the time he hangs out with izzat and I. I don't understand how he can stand being with us for a long time. Sometimes, it gets up to weeks and he'll still be all happy and sometimes annoying too! He calls me up everyday to hang out with me and just go out for a drink. We've always talked about things and I liked my friendship with him.

Now, I realized that he only calls me last time because Izzat doesn't have a phone and he can only get through to izzat through me. How stupid was I to believe that he was really a friend? I knew him first and to face the reality, he knew me first before he knew izzat. Yet, I still can fucked first.

I called him up today to see what's up. I've been calling him for the past time but he never actually wanted to talk to me sincerely. He's all up in the sky being one of the ruined boys. I don't mind anything about that. But he can be really mean sometimes. I remembered those days when he was really sweet to me and I really enjoyed his company. But now, it's all different. He only used me as some kind of a communicator to get through my ex. I have the right to be angry right. I mean, seriously.... I feel so used...

I wish he would come across this page and read this. Because I would love him to see how I am feeling right now. I was close to him sincerely and not because I wanted to dig up stuff about his stupid bestfriend. He can go on doing anything he wants. Just make sure he remembers the things I did for him with all my heart.

I wish you never came in to my life. I wish you would just fuck off and die. I wish that you'd live one day to see me hurt and die tthe next hour. I am so angry at you. You can do whatever you want and you'll never be successful in life. I am cursing you. GO TO HELL!!!
-dkm

What a day?!?! *pfft*

Today my school had the standard sports. Standard sports is for the field event. I took part in long jump and shot putt. It was so fucked up because I came third for shot putt but I got first for long jump. Isn't it just amazing how a girl with my weight is able to jump far? Hahaha. I was surprised too but I figured it must be my lucky day. As for shot putt, it's the first time that I ever got third in my life! I am so angry at myself. I don't know why I am so weak. It must be because of my slipped disc. It's not nice to see a girl whom is smaller than myself getting second place. I don't like it. I know for a fact that I belonged to that position. I can't wait to kick her ass in track events. The day went like normal. I had a little thing that went on last night in my house. After a long time of craving for it, I finally got it. Damn!

I went to school in the morning but made a stop at Mcds for some breakfast. Ate in the car and wasted a little bit of time before going to class. We had physical education in the morning but I didn't break a sweat. I didn't want to. It'll be really uncomfortable in class after that. Plus, they don't give us time to take a shower or anything. So screw sweating! But I can't stop thinking about last night, it was one of the best that I've had. Hahaha. Today is the 7th of Feb and it was a huge coincidence that I met up with him at midnight. I mean, I didn't realize it until I was over at his place and was talking to him. I went over to pass him his stuff and planned to come back home straight after but things got a little bit tricky around the corner. I decided to stay longer but we couldn't proceed with 'it' in his house, instead he came over mine.

I am so tired today. After school we had the stupid gymnastrada practise and practically all the boys in the group pissed me off really badly. I mean, they just don't listen and they think they're some kind of professional or something. The practise went on till late evening and straight after that, nini and I were off to buy some drinks for the food sale tomorrow. It's for our prom account. We were clueless about where to buy the drinks for a cheap price. So we decided to call one of our friends and ask him about it. We dragged him along with us. We went all the way to KL or a little bit out of KL and bought the drinks. But the price were good and we can make a whole lot of profit with it too!

Thus, we had a little bit of a problem with our dance costumes that we had to halt the orders and buy it from somewhere else. Which cause more havoc for nini and i. So we thought it'll be good if we could do and finish up everything by today. After finishing with the prom things we went back to ampang to change in normal clothes and I needed to buy my little brother's food. In the end, we were back to the same place that we were from. We had to buy the clothing over there because it was really cheap. But it's worth it because we got everything at one place. Now, we're done for sports day just need to finish up on the routine and we're set to go. Ruby all the way!

That's about it, I'm going to past out. Too tired to even type anymore online. I guess i'll update tomorrow. But until day taaaa.
-dkm

The little cunt in my heart

You are a pure dick. I am so sick and tired of you coming and walking back out of my heart. I am so tired of tolerating that nonsense in my life. Why do you have to do this to me? Hehehehe. Not talking about that boy. Just talking about the feelings in me. Weird huh.

Today, I went to school. Everything went great. We had assembly in the morning and they were passing out the certificate to the cast of the school play. I slept late last night, couldn't stop thinking about the life that I had in the past. Stayed up till 3am. I reckon that maybe as I wake up for school, I'll be all grumpy and not wanting to talk to any body and probably be asleep in class. But I woke up and I started my day with a smile. I didn't want to be all angry. Just a change for the day.

I went to school and just smiled all the way. Had a short conversation with my little brother about things in life. I was a bit worried about what the teachers were going to say about my red streaks on the hair. I didn't want to get caught but last week, one of the teachers already saw it. So I had to somehow cover it up. I told one of my friends to braid it and hide it. It didn't work though.

Teachers came up to me and gave me a letter to send me home. But because I didn't want to miss math, I told them I could take it off just like that. I tried doing that but it hurt my scalp too much. So after math was done, I went to the saloon and did my hair. At the same time, I took advantage by washing my hair and blow drying it.

I hung out with one of my school mates, yoon gi. We ate mcdonalds in the morning and just enjoyed each other's company. Unfortunately, I don't like him. After school, I had prom committee meeting and gymnastrada practise. It was so difficult to discuss about things between each other. No one agreed to anything. Well, not everything but some things larh. It was still so difficult. I was having a major headache after that. Until, I went to the hall for the gymnastrada practise and I heard music. I started dancing and choreographing for my team. I had fun today.

I went to the futsal centre to meet up with the boys. Malaysia is so fucking hot. I can't stop sweating. No matter where I go. Even when I am in the car with the air cond full blast, I can still feel heat somewhere. My school uniform is soaking wet now. I just got home now and I am so exhausted. I want to go to sleep and wake up late at night. Do some studying and get on with life. I'll continue with the updates as soon as I wake up from my so called beauty sleep.
-dkm

My room is clean!!!

For the longest time my room has been in such a mess. Lets just say that my room was like a place where things cannot be found after it's left there more than two days. I've been too caught up with things in life that I didn't give a hoot about how my room looks like.

Soon I realized that being a girl and having a room like mine is a bit too messy for me. I was getting very uncomfortable and nothing seems in place. I decided one day to clean it all up and won't leave anything laying around no more. The first thing I attacked was the clothes. I've got so many of them in the cupboards and drawers but I don't wear any of them.I took my own sweet time and cleaned everything up.

There were tons of clothes everywhere in my room as I was cleaning it up. My mum and sister was just laughing at the amount. I kept the clothes that I liked since I was such a little girl and decided that I had to throw it all away. Some of it that really meant something to me, I put it in a bag to keep it somewhere else. Once the clothes were all done, I started with the books and others.

It took me two days to finish cleaning up!! Amazing ain't it?!?!?!
-dkm

Pro pro pro pro zac zacccccc..... NATION!!!

Huahuahua.. How interesting does the title look? Really! Another day of exhausting clubbing. Loving it but I'm growing out of it. I remembered when I started going to clubs. I was 11 years old. The first club I ever went to was called bliss in KL. It was my brother's birthday! *phew* It was pretty nerve recking to get in. I thought they'll ask for my ID because at that current time I looked so young and I didn't know how to dress up. I was basically innocent larh. It was fun and I just dance the whole night. Everyone was praising me and got shocked as they found out my age. Soon after, I started going clubbing by myself. Without any guardian. I was happy that my parents trusted me and allowed me to do so.

But I had nothing to worry about. I know for a fact that I hate the taste of alcohol! It's disgusting! So, it's up to my parents whether they want to believe that I do or don't drink.

I went clubbing to day at Sugar. It's a new place in KL. The music was a KILLER!! It was really rocking the whole place up. As for me, as usual the first place I approached is the DANCE FLOOR!! I went to the club really late. I surprised everybody as I got there. So I joined some of them on the dance floor and started showing my moves and grooves. The music was just amazing. One of my friends were spinning, so I had a lot of fun.

Yesterday I went to Cynna bar, it was chun. The DJ asked for my number. I thought that it was really odd. All I know is that I dressed up really elegantly to Cynna last night and I got really pissed off because I couldn't shuffle in high heels!! But the DJ was pretty hot. I likee!!!!!

Today, I dressed up more like a gangster. It was chun. Got compliments!! Like a lot!!

The day has come to an end. A new morning has begun. I've cleaned up my room and I love the way it looks right now. I'll update more once I'm free. I need to get my bio clock right!!! Woooooowweee....
-dkm

Everything and everyone changes!

Everything in this world changes for the better and sometimes for the worst. But to every changes there are, behind it always lies a reason. A reason that not many of us would be able to see but it'll be visible enough for us to see in the future.

Everything in this world changes. Including human beings. I am sorry that I've practically nailed in your mind that I was not going to change for the better. I never knew what I had until I lost it. I look back at all the mistakes I did, and I thought that it was just so full of shit. I am changing now. It may not be for you but I've learnt my lessons. You've always ran away from me when I have a big problem.

I am changing slowly for the better. Everytime I do, you have to demoralized me. Isn't that great? You love to see me in misery. I want you to admit it. If you refuse to admit to the fact that you love seeing me in misery then why are you doing this to me. Oh my gosh.. I am so sick of talking about you! You are a worthless piece of shit to me right now. I know I would always have that soft spot for you in my heart but you are so stupid. You're a little boy.

You need to open up your eyes and just listen to people. Act your own age. Don't try to be something that you're not. Don't even dare to think as yourself being so big just because you have a friend who is the ex prime minister's son. I am sorry that I'm writing this down. But I've got so much anger in myself and I need to let it out somewhere right. To depend on you to listen to me when i need you, well lets just say it's a waste of time.

Wake up dude! You've got two more years till school is done. *phew* GUess what? I've got only few more months to go and I'm done with all the bullshit uniform and teachers. It is for the good that we broke off. The fact that we were together for 8 months already. If it was longer, we wouldn't know what to expect in the future. So fuck that. I still love you and I know somewhere in your heart you still love me too. We can love each other till we die even if we're with different people. I know I've got your back and you got mine. That's the best part of it all.
-dkm

..a new horizon touched my bare skin..

I wake up laying on my bed just gazing into the sun that just rose at dawn. I cannot stop thinking about you. Every single day it's just a new day but I don't know when it comes down to about you, it's the same thing. I mean, the same thing is about me loving you. Why is it so hard for me to let go of you? Do you know even a bit how that feels? It's so annoying.

I can't stop laughing and giggling right now because I'm just so high on something. I am talking to zita as I write this down. She is making me laugh so much. I am so bored of life. I feel like I want to kill myself... at the same time enjoying it.. Someone opened my eyes and told me that life is really beautiful but you just need to look at it from a different angle. I agree with him but I'm not sure where to look for that angle. So it's pretty hard.

I am bored of this shit. Fuck this! ciao...
:p
-dkm

...enough of the same feeling...

I don't know what you want. Obviously on that night itself, you wanted 'sex'. I am so angry and at the same time so sad about everything. I am getting hurt every now and then thinking of you. I don't have any hopes in myself. You made me realize and know my own strenght. I am trying my hardest best to get the strenght that I once had. You have yours, why don't you just teach me how you did it.

Why do you have to be so fake towards me in front of people? I leave my blog hanging at this stage. There are just too many things I want to say but I'll leave it unsaid for now. I love you.
-dkm

You're the love of my life that I can't be with.

You may be the one that I love so much and have so many memories with. I wonder everyday why can't we be with each other again. I wish our relationship would be how it is now. I never knew it would be that hard to get over you. Don't get all up in your head as I write this down. I know I'm telling out the truth to the people out there. You can go on be a kid and just hide your true feelings. You may say that you have a girl by your side, but somehow it's hard to beleive. If you really do, how can you be so unfair towards her as to sleep with me at the same time? You said no strings attached right? But I know you're the type to do that to someone that you're with unless the love for me is way stronger than the girl you're with. For all I know you could be using her to get over me. I miss you a lot here and there. Things do remind me of you and etc. It's hard to forget the things we've done together, things we've said. You know that for a fact. I wish guys weren't such assholes.

For 2 weeks you left me suffering by ignoring me, at the end of the time you told me you wanted to break up. I had to agree with you. I was put in a situation whereby I couldn't say anything. Plus, you caught me off guard. As I didn't want to let you go, I just had to. After that two weeks, I had to suffer through a whole load of depression. I went through some massive attitude. You will never be able to feel the pain now but I know that one person above me will give you the same medicine. Most probably worst. I know I will always love you and would always be there even when you don't need me. But it's just hard to ignore you. I love you so much and I don't want to keep as a secret. I don't understand how you can think that I am sleeping around. The only person I can make love to, is you.

One month and a half after depression I was doing pretty well, untill one night that you called me out of the blues. You posted the comment on my blog and wrote me a testimonial, dedicating that song to me by James Blunt. You said it yourself it was just for the moment. What moment huh? Moment of you being horny and wanting to get into my pants? I haven't slept with anyone since I broke off with you. Therefore, I too got caught up with that 'moment' of yours. I fell for your words that you said to me. Why did you have to walk back in to my life after I was fine? I'm not complaining about you calling me, infact I was really happy that you called to have a casual conversation with me. You didn't even want to admit that you cried on the phone. I heard your voice as you cried with me after I listened to the song that you gave me.

My emotions got out of control on that night and I made the attempt to sneak out of the house to see you on the same night. I was out before the break of dawn and saw you. As I sat in the car and saw you walking towards me hurt me so much. I was happy but at the same time really hurt. Knowing that you said if whatever happens, you didn't want any strings attached. Well, we slept with each other in the end. I could see in your eyes that you made love to me with me with so much love and passion. It showed that you still love me a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love you as much too. But just for the spur of the moment. I can't resist you nor can you resist me. You called me and spoke to me and I got a bit shocked. Things have been pretty havoc nowadays.

Well, if you really do have a girl. I would respect the relationship you have with her, Izzat. Take care. If you ever read this, don't bother posting a comment. I don't want to hear anything from you until I call you. Or if you do want to say anything to me, just call me okay.

I'm sorry things didn't work out to how we wanted it. I know we're somehow happier now. Feeling lonely would always be there. I hope you're happy with Ummie's company, Chi. I don't have anyone to accompany me like that. It shows that I am stronger than you then huh. Gosh! That's true. I am so glad. I'd probably see you soon. I want you to know that I would always love you too. No matter who your girlfriend is going to be next, I hope you guys are really happy and please make sure she doesn't do anything to hurt you. Because I would personally kill her. Love you sayanggg.
-dkm

Nicely Done, give it an applause.

A new year has begun. New things must be done same time discovered. I haven't been writing. Was too caught up with my emotions. Been depressed. I've opened my eyes to what true love is all about. Now as I write this down, I am finally over him. Did I really love him? Of course, I suffered so much while I went through the whole depression. But what was I thinking? I never thought that I could be like that.

I never know what my limits are until I actually go beyond it. I would always love him and a soft spot for him will always be there for him. I need to get myself a new thing. New things, style, trend, friends and many other things. I have started to blog again because I met someone new today and he was pretty interesting. I had so much fun talking to him.

I spoke to my friend that I haven't spoken to for such a long time. His name is Eidrix. We went through memory lane. I laughed so much when I was talking to him. I haven't laugh that much. It was all because of the break up I felt happiness again. I guess it was a blessing in disguise.

I'm so happy now. I can't stop smiling on my own. I want to thank my bestfriend Far and my girls like emma, sammie and the boys that went through with me. I love them so much because now I know that I can rely on them.

Feelings are so fucked up though. Why can't I wish to be a robot so that I can programme myself to not have feelings. It'll be weird but better for me right?

I'm writing this at 3.30 in the morning. In a couple of hours I've got my exams. Pretty much nervous. No! I am not confident of getting an A for it. But what the heck? I'm just going for it. I guess. I feel pretty happy now. I hope it'll work out though. I'm getting bored with life. Just need to get back into my socializing self!!
-dkm