emotions = drive

I've discovered that I feel so much better when I'm driving. I mean, when I am angry. Under normal circumstances, people would go kickboxing, swimming, etc. But for me, it's a bit different. My whole life, I've always controlled something around me. That's why I've been happy when I was younger. Now, it's different. Since the recent incident, I've lost a big part of me which included my responsibilities, priorities and independence. I don't even have control over myself. Therefore, I've learnt that when I am driving around and listening to music, I can calm myself down from everything. It's funny. It's dangerous I know but that's the only way that I've discovered for now, I am sure I will discover other ways later.

-dkm

Only 24hours has passed..

Baby, only 24 hours has passed by since you left this country. I miss you so much. I feel so lonely without you being here. I hope so much that you didn't go to Bali. Eventhough I try so hard to not think about you, your name keeps on coming in my head and mind. I'm planning to make some changes in myself for you and also my own benefit. I have to get used to this enviroment. Being alone or go out with my friends without you. But it won't be the same.

If you're ready this, I want you to try and have as much fun as you could while you're there. I promise that I won't hurt you and I will keep my words. I remembered what I've promised you. I keep on looking at your pictures and it makes me miss you even more by the minute. There would noone on earth that can replace you. I'm sorry that all this time, I've been taking you for granted.

I know you didn't call me right before you left the country. I want you to know it's alright. I know you must have been busy with the bags and too caught up with everything else over there. I can't stop thinking about you, sayang. I love you so much.

There's so much more to say but I'll leave it unsaid. All I've said above is enough said.
-dkm

Ghost Of you - My Chemical Romance

I never said I'd lie and wait forever,

If I died, we'd be together,

I can't always just forget her,

But she could try..

At the end of the world,

Or the last thing I see,

You are,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Could I? Should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me,

And all the smiles that are ever ever...

Ever...

Get the feeling that you're never,

All alone and I remember now,

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies,

She dies.

At the end of the world,

Or the last thing I see,

You are,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Could I? should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me,

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Could I? Should I?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me,

For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me,

If I fall, If I fall (down)

At the end of the world,

Or the last thing I see,

You are,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Never coming home....

And all the things that you never ever told me,

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me,

Never coming home,

Never coming home,

Could I? Should I?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me,

For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

Good day has finally came..

A good day has finally came to catch me. I've never felt this feeling before. Today, I had a time on my own. I was talking to my family and some other friends. Along the time I was talking to them, I keep on getting useful informations and put it in my head. There are many things that were exchanged and I am so glad that it actually is happening now. I thought I had to wait for years to come. Maybe I have paid all those tears that the guys cried for me when I was so cruel to them.

It all started with a phone call. HE didn't call me the whole day and I just needed people to tell me that HE loves me and that I am really lucky and so on. I had people doing that for me the whole day, just for the sake of me putting it in my head. We had a plan to go the movies today, but it got cancelled because he was too busy. For the frist, I didn't fight about it. I am proud of that.

I was hanging out with my sister, little brother, mum but mostly my dad. We had a really long conversation at the restaurant in desa pandan. It was not planned but that's the best thing about being spontaneous. He told me a lot of things that would be useful to me. I spoke to some other people online and they shared their problems with me. They shared their emotions and I gave them some advices.

While I was doing that, Izzat would have been probably be sleeping or try to get his mind off things. I didn't call him the whole day, wanted to give him the space. I called him only once but then never again. I got to know from his sister that he was back over at his dad's house. Yet, I didn't call him straight away because I figured that maybe he would need time to settle down and just relax. Once I thought it was the time to call, I called him.

He picked up the phone and had a conversation going on. Suddenly, he asked me for a break. He told me that he needed it really badly, in order for him to find himself again. I didn't agree on it since he caught me off guard and I was totally shocked at his decision. He has always been the one that doesn't want to go on a break. Now he does. While talking to him, I was at a club called Sugar. I thought of maybe having a bit of fun. It turned bad when I spoke to him because I was crying. After all the bullshit talk from me, I hung up the phone.

I wanted to get myself together and just calm myself down and talk to him again later. He told me that the break was starting today and that's when I got really fucked and started thinking really hard about everything. I've done a lot of mistakes that I didn't see. Slowly, I am beginning to see every single one of them. I regretted doing all those shit to him. Because I know he loves me very much just like how I love him. As much as I want this thing to work for me, he wants the same too.

I know now who is Izzat. I don't want to lose him. After being calm and so on, he called me. He told me to pick him up and minutes after that, he changed his mind. But I insisted on seeing him, so I went over his dad's house to just see him for the last time before he goes to bali. When I got into his arms, I felt so warm. Only then I knew that I've never appreciated what I've had infront of me. His lips were so soft and I felt as if we haven't kissed for like a year or more.

I got home and called him. We talk for hours and just laugh together like old times. I have never felt so happy in my life. I told him what my day was about and to tell the truth, I learnt a lot from CLEO magazines!! Hahahaha!! I am about to change myself for this boy. It would show the whole world of how much I love him. I will try to change myself before he gets back from Bali. I hope I won't cause anymore riot for him anymore.

We all need to get back on track again. I know I love him and he loves me too. I will now appreciate everything that he has done or said to me. Because now I am so happy. As I type this down, it is the first time in months that I have a smile on my face writing it down. There are many things in life that I hate but he makes it so different that I start to learn to love again. He will be the only person that can change me for the better.
-dkm

I don't know what's going on with my life anymore. One person is telling me another thing and another person is telling me another story. Which one am I to follow, which direction? I am losing control of myself. I am totally losing it. I haven't been happy for the past few months, it's just me. Everything is always blame on me. I know that for a fact. I get blamed even when I'm not at the crime scene.

I am so depressed. My friends say that I would be happier if I wasn't with him. Infact, that is the truth but I am in denial. You know how they say, girls mature faster than a boy by two years. Well, I am going out with a guy who is 15years old. Therefore, his mind should be like at the age of 13years a old and as for me, my mind would be at the age of a 17years old.

I miss laughing and happiness. I can't find all of that anymore. I still love him like crazy and I am trying so hard to not hurt him in anyway. But everytime I do, I will always accidentally hurt him. I think I never had the intentions to hurt him so much. Recently, it has become so intense between the both of us.

My only problem is that, I can never let him go whenever he wants to go with his friends. I just can't let him go. Due to the reason that, he has spoilt me so much when I was him for the first few months. Suddenly, he wanted to stop being like that and started to complain about a lot of stuff that I never thought of. Now, I know that it is really hard to change to be good or change for the person you love.

His friends doesn't like me, but should I care? I mean, it's his friends so I don't think I should be bothered. It's such a small thing. Should we even fight about our friends? Is it necessary? You know sometimes the reason that I don't let him go with his friends is because they are so irresponsible. I'm not saying that they are irresponsible in every way, but they don't have respect for time. I'm not going to mention names because it'll be really rude.

Since I was a little girl, I've always loved being myself. I know I am naughty, annoying, bitchy and a lot more of bad things but I cannot be bothered by it. There are people out there who hates and loves me. I am the kind of person that someone just totally hates or totally loves! That's it. There's nothing more to it. Plus, I say whatever I want to say. Although I know I say it at the wrong places and timing. That's one thing I need to learn how to control and change about me.
I know the things that I have to change but I don't want to change in to a totally new person. It wouldn't be me. I know that for sure. I want to keep some bad stuff in me so then no matter what, people would still know that this is deena.

Human beings talk a lot when they are in a group. They talk about all kind of stuff. Stuff that are weird and mostly stuff that can and will hurt other people. But when you are actually talking, you don't really think about the person's feeling. You'll start thinking only once the thing has happened to you. Well for me, I know a lot of people talk about me. I learnt sooner or later to try not to be bothered by those things anymore. Now, I am hearing more things about me. Some are true, some are not. Most of my REAL friends know that, if it's true I would definitely admit to it but if it isn't, I would just be pissed for the moment and get over the fact that they said it.

Well, there is actually a lot more to this but I really can't be fucked to write since my eyes are really puffy and shit. I am waiting for izzat's call. I am guessing that he discussed things with his friends and his decision is to break it off with me. Or something they would continue my crying for the rest of the day or week. I know I love him more than I love a girl named nini. If I went through one week of depression because of her, then I don't know how long I am going to be able to take it from him.
-dkm

I realized.......... what??

Am I happy now or then? What am I doing to myself? Should I go on like this or should I change? Who is out there that can answer all this questions? Who is that one person who has a solution to all problems? Do I really love myself? Do I deserve the things that I am getting now?

I can't stop thinking of what I am going to do with my life. My life is filled with so many things and it includes path to directions that makes me really confused. I don't know which one to choose and I don't know which one is wrong or right.
-dkm

extra of me, revealed!

Something that I don't tell everyday. It's not something personal nor is it something I would hide from anyone. It's something so funny and people would just laugh at it and get over it.

I've had this thing my whole life and it never left my side. It has been with me whenever I needed it. You know how they say that some people in life would always be there for you. For me, I don't really depend on that anymore because I know some people would come and go. You never know when they do or don't. I know for a fact that this has been the most valueable thing in my life. I've had it since I was 3 years old and I'm glad that it's not broken or torn. Can you guess what it is?

When I am crying, it was there to catch and wipe my tears. When I am angry, it was there for me to hold on it tight enough to just let it go. When I am upset, it was just there for me to keep myself warm and fuzzy. When I am happy, it was there for me to hug it and thank god that I am alive. It was there most of the time and it has been with me even when I'm doing the wrong things. It has never been away from me for more than an hour. If I lose this, I know I would go crazy because it's the only thing I have to be with me at all times.

So now, it's time for me to reveal what it is. It is my blanket that I've had since I was very young. I had a blue one when I was born but I left it at a hotel in penang and I couldn't get it back. I cried non stop when it happened. So my mum bought me a new one and made that the new one. It looked good years ago now, it still does but it's torn a bit here and there. I still take care of it and talk to it as if it's alive. I know it's listening if it's alive.

The description of this blanket; it's white with diagrams of lambs on it. I love it so much eventhough the lamb on it is fading away. I love to just hold it and mingle around with it. So this is why I call it;

Lambiekinzzzzz

lone-li-ness

Lonely? It's a part of your emotions that you feel when you don't have anybody beside you or in your heart. Once you are secure that you have everybody then the feeling will slowly fade away. I thought I would feel lonely without the one I love. The reason was because I was so much dependent on him that I forgot about my own independence. I am going through a process whereby I am trying to get mine back. For the first few tries, I was failing and then I slowly picked myself up and I realized that I am doing quite well. I don't think anyone should depend on others for what they want. That applies on every aspect for me.

I know it's natural for oneself to depend for others for help in the future. It could be in business wise. But yet, the one that you will trust would be yourself. Trusting yourself is another thing. I couldn't trust myself for awhile. I was damage to myself at one point of time. I thought back again and said "what the hell?". For this past few months, I have done a lot of mistakes that I don't want to mention in the blog. But I have not regret any of them instead, I've learnt how to look at it and just take it as a lesson learnt.

I have analyzed various type of human beings along the way. There are some you might call pyscho. Well, I did at first. Once I begun to understand what's going on in their mind then I slowly open my eyes to a new thing. I couldn't stop thinking about many things in life. I might die because my brain cells are all gone.

The day has been very gloomy due to the rain that has been pouring down on us. The rain has been on and off. We should be thankful that the rain is falling but it's been everyday and it restricts us from doing certain activities in the outdoor. Well, I'm just like the rain. I've been gloomy and I'm only happy when the sun is out.
-dkm

In a glimpse...

I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Maybe for a certain time but not all the time. Not even the best actors could do that. I know that I've lost my grounds of being 'deena'. I wonder who are able to see that. My feelings are again mixed up. I've got everything I wanted but I'm still not satisfied. I have to admit that I do miss the times when I was playing with guys and all those stuff.

I remembered being a player and being called 'gangster'. People change as time goes by. I've been very lazy to do things that makes me happy. It is as if I rather be upset than making an effort to change. Could it be human nature? Confessing is one of the hardest thing in life. Especially when it is about the bad things in life. Noone has the guts to do properly. Somewhere along the confession there will always be lies.

I remembered my life when I was younger and as I look and got back on reality, I realized that I am in my last year and I have to really get back on track on studies. Independence is really hard to get once you've lost it. I used to be very independent. I was a leader and I was good at it. I kind of let someone took over it and I became so weak and had no backbone. Problems arose from that.

Everyone knows that when you get so spoilt, it'll be really hard to be good again. It'll be a drastic change for some people. It won't be able to happen all at once. I would call myself a slow thinker. I can only think when I'm calm. Because when I am angry, I will say or think the things that I don't mean. When I am upset, I'll keep quiet and keep everything inside. Anger and depression are the two emotions that are hard to control. Well, it is for me.

Waiting and waiting in my loneliness, I know what and where to go for my next mision. But am I able to do it all over again. How did I become so dumb and let something so stupid ruined me. I have a lot of guardian beside me but I am so stubborn to listen to any of them. I know life is not easy and this could be a phase to test my patience but I am not doing well at it. I have not got the lesson in this situation yet. I know once I think about it thoroughly then I will understand it.

I used to be the stable one in all groups that I hang out in. All of that change!! I'm the one that people usually ask from for answers to their problems. Now questions are asked from me! I think that's why I have my girlfriends back.
-dkm

Moms?

Mums are important in life. I realized that everytime I cry, I would always say my mum's name. When I'm scared, in trouble or anything! It's one thing to be rude to them and another thing to disobey what they want. Yet, we still all do that. It's just unbelieveable. I know.

Let's take my boyfriend's mum for an example. She insist on blaming me for things that her son does wrong. It happens like that because I happen to be there when her son went through a phase that he wants to be rebellious.

Rebellion is nothing to me anymore. I used to go through that when I was 12years old. Now, I understand what my mum like and need. Plus, I am lucky to have an open minded mother. As for Izzat's mother, she is quite traditional and a shallow thinker. I never knew that mouth could really ruined something between people.

She is a compulsive liar at one point of time and the only thing I could do was to just stay patient. Since, I am still a kid and I was in no position to fight back. After awhile it kind of got annoying and little things just trigger me so badly. As day pass by, I try my best to ignore the fact that she's doing this daily. But NO! The whole world has to know about it. For me, if it's that bad I would have been satisfied and just let it go. But that wasn't enough for her, she had to go on and on for months.

Words still get around and comes back to me. Eventhough she is a mother to my boyfriend, I know that I've tried my very best to get to her. Apparently she said my first impression towards her was bad. But I remembered it quite well. When I first met her, it was at her front door. I was taking out all her daughters out for a bite of ice cream at great eastern mall, haagen daaz. Everyone knows that is not cheap. But I did it, to get on her good side. She denied all of those and was adament that what she says is right.

She accuse me of putting weed in my ciggy. I mean, give me a break. Which dumb person would do that. Unless they just want to create trouble. It seems to me that she is trying to prevent her son from being friends with people like me. I thought about it and couldn't care less. There are other people out there whom are much worst than I am. Like ten times worst.

She needs to try a different approach in order to get her son to trust her. I am so confused right now. Someone would you please send me help.
-dkm

My sweet 16th Birthday Bash!!

My sweet 16th Birthday Bash was the bomb-ing shiznit diggity!! It was held in Concorde, Kuala Lumpur. I loved it. I didn't expect it to be that good but that's why they say always expect the unexpected.

I had my dress drawn out by a friend called Syahmi, it was gorgeous. The maker was a guy named Syed Zain, he's awesome. The dress didn't look that good when i went for the fitting but in the end, it looked beautiful!

I was really nervous about the party. I was scared about whether or not people would appear and if they do, would they have fun? I had a lot of things to worry about. But izzat was there to help me through all that. As the party started a lot of people begun to come in the place and said wishes to me. Eventhough my own best girlfriends weren't there, I know they were in my heart. I know they would have fun if they were there. I didn't need them to be there with me, they were just in my heart. The decorations were done by my fantastic mum, she had everything organized into place with her screaming and being all stressed out over it. I got a bit pissed but it was worth it. The cake was made by her lawyer ( i know it's really odd!).

At the party, everyone looked gorgeous. I mean that literally. It was a semi formal party but I'm glad that people came looking hot and pretty. It was not all that grand or anything big but I loved it a lot. It will be a party to be remembered for the rest of my life for sure. There were smiles everywhere. I loved the whole atmosphere and surroundings.

I couldn't have asked for a better party. Really. I know for a fact that everybody had fun. Thus, it was the talk of the week for some schools. I was so proud of it. Now, I don't want to go on bragging about my party. Who was there for it would know what I'm talking about. But for who didn't go, then it's your lost.
-dkm

Honey, I'm home!!

After months and months of not writing. I actually think that I am missing apart of me. I used to love blogging, more or less like writing a journal but it stopped. Why? Because, I was too caught up with a boy. A lot of things went by and not all were happy moments. Mostly was just to fuck me up. I didn't know what to do at one point of time but it was the same thing everyday. So sooner or later, I kind of got used to crying and like dwelling in self-pity everytime. I know it's not good but gee, i didn't know what else to do. Plus, at that time I didn't have my girlfriends.

Now, it's a new thing for me. I'm patching things up with a lot of people and I am glad it's happening. I know it happens for a reason. I got a new thing going on with Farah, Emma, Sammie and Lollita. It's great to have my girls back on my side. I really needed a wake up call. That's a serious one.
-dkm

--sweeeshh--

Deena is back in blogging moments. Many things has happen since I've disappeared the blogging scene. There are many ups and downs, but that's life isn't it? We would just have to live with it. I'm going to be very brief on each topic.

BaLi trip with Ryzal, Lira & Johan.
It was fun. I shopped a lot. Bought things for everybody back at home. Went to the beach. Had my hair braided plus the hair extension. It was really heavy at first but I got used to it. Didn't eat much over there, since we had to pay for ourselves and I wanted to shop more than I eat. So I saved money on eating and went for shopping. Thus, everyone was eating all the cuisines that I didn't quite like. Went clubbing every night and was laughing. Ryzal allowed me to drink and smoke cigar. It was weird but that's it.

Thailand, Kharabi Island with Mama & Ezzat.
I have to say that, it was boring but it got fun after a few hours. As we reached there, we thought maybe some cheap car would pick us up from the airport, instead a volkswagen van picked us up. I was surprised at the fact that volkswagon produced vans. When we got into it, it was so comfortable. The journey from the airport to the port was 2 hours. I had fun sleeping. We got to the island but a boat. Life was like a royalty when we were there. There's a lot more but I'm lazy to tell...

-dkm

Second day! *pfft*

We all woke up at 12pm. Ryzal and johan were planning to go swimming. So they disturbed Lira and I to wake up and go with them. I was forced to go with them with my period cramp. I went to put on my clothes and was ready to go swimming. Lira and I were hungry since we didn't eat breakfast. We went for lunch and straight after that we went Go carting. As we were racing my leg got stuck at the brak pedal. I got really nervous and drifted through out the circuit. I am still alive though. We raced and I won second place. It was fun!!

I went to a salon to check out the manicure and stuff. Instead of doing manicure, I did braids for my hair. I did hair extentsions too. It took them 6 hours to finish it up. I got really restless and annoyed at everything. But it looks nice now. Coincidencely, farah did it too. Just simple twins!!

We had dinner at a mexican restaurant called Chi Chi's. It was nice. I ate Fajitas. I was so stuffed after that. After dinner we went to the same club as we did the day before.
-dkm

Bali here I come..

In a few hours I would be on the plain off to Bali, Indonesia. I am not too excited. It would be a really sad departure. I have spent the whole night with Izzat. I had fun driving around with him in the car. He got a bit scared though. My driving is still quite reckless. But nothing happened. Thank god. I know I would miss Izzat so much when I'm there. Plus, I'm not going to see my sister until next month. This is such a fucked up timing to go anywhere. I made Izzat stay with me the whole night. He didn't have time to study and he has his trials tomorrow. I know I am a bad girlfriend. I can't help it though. It was really hard for me to let go of him just now.

I haven't completed my packing yet. I still haven't put in my toiletries and my 'blankiee'. I can't leave that here. I'm afraid that if I were to be rushed tomorrow, I will forget about it. I'm still thinking of whether to bring my labtop there or not. I really can't live without it. I'm not sure what else I have to bring. I need to make a list and make sure everything would go smooth. The last thing I want is to get screamed by my brother. Our flight is in the afternoon. I won't get to see Izzat. It's a 50% chances that I would get to speak to him. I think he would be in his examination hall. It's ok.

I'm pretty insecure about leaving Izzat here in Malaysia. Considering the incident that happened with his last one. He can do the same to me at anytime. I trust him though. Although, I didn't allow him to go to a party this saturday. The reason is too long for me to type right now. My eyes are closing. I'm exhausted. Need to get everything ready by tomorrow. I can't believe that I am going to Bali tomorrow. I made the biggest mistake of wanting to go. I should have just stayed back in Malaysia. I know I won't have much fun. Thus, I won't be able to smoke that much. Ryzal is going to be around like 24/7. Damn it!! What else? I'm restricted to do many things. I forgot about Yazmin's coming trip to Bali next month. I should chose her. Oh well, I guess I need to make the best of it.

I'm not allowed to shop that much though. Mama is being a bitch. Just like today at dinner, I don't understand why she has to be stingy with the money. It's not as if she doesn't have a lot of it. Papa wanted to give me rm100. He didn't have small change. But abang did. So they gave me rm50. I made my puppy face and gave papa some funny reasons, mama was making it such a big deal. I was just like, shut up woman!! Pissing me off. It was the same thing yesterday at dinner too. They were all screaming at me in front of Izzat. I was embarassed, of course. Due to the reason that I'm going to be sixteen soon and they still have no respect for me.

I guess, that's it for today. I didn't do much. Kakak, ezzat, izzat and I went to watch Charlie and the chocolate factory! It was awesome. Johnny depp looked hot! Loved him!! I enjoyed myself with all. I miss hanging out with kakak a lot. I forgot about the times we used to hang out in the toilet. Now that she is working hard to get what she wants. She is really busy and have no time. I don't blame her. I will get to hang out with her one day. Soon enough. I will post up more once I'm back from bali. I won't forget to put up the pictures too. That's it for now. I'm off to do my list for what to bring. In case I forget. You know me. Ok bye!!
-dkm

First day in Bali...

I arrived at the airport at 5pm. Our flight was at 1.50pm. As we got there, all of us had sleepy faces on. I slept the whole way in the plane. Couldn't care to wake up and eat. When I got into the plane, I already missed Kakak and Ezzat.

When we got to the hotel, I started to take a lot of pictures. I do that a lot when I'm bored. I'm pretty vain, I have to say. Abang brought 4 walkie-talkies and we all had fun playing around with it. We kinda got used to saying the word 'over' after every sentence. It was fun with it though. We saved a lot of money.

When dinner came, we had it at a restaurant called Macaronni. Italian cuisine!! eeeww!! I didn't like it. I ate pepperoni pizza. That's the only thing I know how to eat. I didn't know what to order. Plus, over there I had to go to toilet like every few minutes. One of the reasons were because I needed to go to and the other one is *ahem*ahem*. I'm sure most of you could figure it out.

On our first day in Bali, we went to a club called M Bar Go. It was alright. Many aussie, english and balinese!! Not cute nor handsome! A waste of time going there. Some of the surfers boys were really hot. I have to admit that the bartender working there was cute too! Unfortunately, he is too old! Too bad for me huh.

One weird thing was that, my brother allowed me to drink. I know it was wrong but I had to pretend as if I've never drank in my life. So when I tasted it, I put up a face that shows that I didn't like it. I had to be really pretentious.
That's it.
-dkm

*quick one*

This is to the one I love, he knows who he is.

If one day I were to be blind, I would still know that you are beautiful. It may not be possible for me to see your face, but after long enough I will be able to know your heart. With a kind heart comes your beauty.
-dkm

Fadli and Me, at Zouk. 

This is my confession.

Is this the right time to confess. I wonder. I feel guilty keeping a secret from my sister, which I never do. As I am writing this, I am actually in her room. I don't know how to tell her. Would it be the right time to tell her? I know she would get angry if I tell her. It's so soon. But I don't know. She just got back from Sabah. She was working there for the past 2 weeks. Should I bombard her with this shocking news? I don't know what to say. I'm speechless.

Well, I've told her. It was quite scary and embarassing. But that's life. The only thing left is, telling my mum about it. I know what the consequences are going to be. I'm not sure what she's going to do. When she found out my sister lost her virginity. She kept it cool. I don't know about me. She'll be really strict though. She has warned me a lot of times not to lose it at this age. I didn't listen. I figured that I was too in love with Izzat. It could be another one of those boys I go out with. I'm so scared. I feel really guilty for not telling my mum the truth. As I see her face everyday, and her being nice to me. The guilt keeps on increasing at one part of my heart. I know I'm a bit too young for this, but I wanted to have it. We both did. Both of us were ready and we thought about it. Over and over again.

I used to be such an innocent girl. I can't say that I am anymore. It's sad isn't it. I'm like all the other girls out there. I just hope I don't become wild and sleep around. It'll make my mum furious. She will become a monster. She has said specifically that she didn't want me to become like my sister. Honestly, I am not. It seems that way because I do the same things as she does. We have the same interest. What can we do. I know that we can change but what if I enjoy doing those stuff.

My sister just broke up with her boyfriend. I'm still not used to being around her while she knows that I am not a virgin anymore. I feel really awkward. I don't know what to do. My pretty confused now. I just know one thing, I hope nothing happens in between of Izzat and I. I'll regret any mistake that I do. It's sad isn't it?

Somehow people say that once you have lost it, you'll naturally change your attitude. Becoming more elegant. As in more like a woman. I don't feel any change in me. I don't feel a thing. My period is irregular and I'm still punching people. What does that say? I've got really far with Izzat. I'm not sure what is the right next step. I'm just going to let it be. I have no idea.
-dkm

When afternoon comes..

I just woke up, I'm bored to death. Nothing to do. I'm going to get the materials for the dress soon. In one hour or so. Till then, I don't know what to do. Mum just called, suppose to pick me up and get the stuff. I still have nothing to do. My last resort to kill the boredom is writing in my blog. Or read other peoples' blog. I love doing that. I taught my little brother how to create a blog. Now, he has his own blog with a really cute tittle. I like it. I wonder if he has updated it. I'm sure he has forgotten about it today. Another 2 days and I'll be off to bali. I wouldn't say that I am totally pysched about the trip but I am quite excited. It'll be a good break from all the bullshit in Malaysia. I'll be gone for 4 days or more, not sure. Once I'm back from Bali, I'll be off to Thailand. Hehehe. Everyone loves me and that's why they're all inviting me.

School is starting soon. I can't wait to see all the faces that I dislike. Can't wait for them to whisper that I can hear from miles away. School won't be the same though. No more playing around and joking around. This is going to be my last year. I hope I could cope up with everything thrown to me. Not a good time to be depressed or emotional. I need to be strong and put my concentration on one thing, which is my education. I know I won't be welcomed to school by the students. But they're not the one that owns the school. I saw one of my schoolmates today at secret recipe while having lunch with mama and ezzat. I was glad to see Ju li. Haven't seen her in ages. Nothing has change except for her hair. It's growing longer.

I've bought the materials for my dress. It cost a lot. But I don't think my mum minds because I don't do this everytime. It's once in a while. I don't know what to get for my mum and sister as their birthday are coming close. I'm still clueless. I wonder what the boys are getting us. Everytime september comes, everyone would be broke. Due to the reason that, all the girls in the family are september including my grandmother. What a coincidence?!?!

I've spoke to my boyfriend. He seemed a bit hyper today. I was the one that had a my voice up to the level that I myself couldn't stand. I wasn't angry though. Just annoyed. I'm having a headache. Must be because of me climbing the gate just now to let mama in. The keys that she brought with her had the gate's remote, it wasn't working. It was raining and the maid wasn't home, so I had to climb up the gate and open the door. Since Ezzat is too small and too spoilt!

My sister is coming back today, she'll be reaching here at around 9pm. I am so excited. I have missed her so much. I didn't have anyone to talk for like 3 weeks. How could she leave me here? Hehehe. That's it for now..
-dkm