Is this the right time to confess. I wonder. I feel guilty keeping a secret from my sister, which I never do. As I am writing this, I am actually in her room. I don't know how to tell her. Would it be the right time to tell her? I know she would get angry if I tell her. It's so soon. But I don't know. She just got back from Sabah. She was working there for the past 2 weeks. Should I bombard her with this shocking news? I don't know what to say. I'm speechless.
Well, I've told her. It was quite scary and embarassing. But that's life. The only thing left is, telling my mum about it. I know what the consequences are going to be. I'm not sure what she's going to do. When she found out my sister lost her virginity. She kept it cool. I don't know about me. She'll be really strict though. She has warned me a lot of times not to lose it at this age. I didn't listen. I figured that I was too in love with Izzat. It could be another one of those boys I go out with. I'm so scared. I feel really guilty for not telling my mum the truth. As I see her face everyday, and her being nice to me. The guilt keeps on increasing at one part of my heart. I know I'm a bit too young for this, but I wanted to have it. We both did. Both of us were ready and we thought about it. Over and over again.
I used to be such an innocent girl. I can't say that I am anymore. It's sad isn't it. I'm like all the other girls out there. I just hope I don't become wild and sleep around. It'll make my mum furious. She will become a monster. She has said specifically that she didn't want me to become like my sister. Honestly, I am not. It seems that way because I do the same things as she does. We have the same interest. What can we do. I know that we can change but what if I enjoy doing those stuff.
My sister just broke up with her boyfriend. I'm still not used to being around her while she knows that I am not a virgin anymore. I feel really awkward. I don't know what to do. My pretty confused now. I just know one thing, I hope nothing happens in between of Izzat and I. I'll regret any mistake that I do. It's sad isn't it?
Somehow people say that once you have lost it, you'll naturally change your attitude. Becoming more elegant. As in more like a woman. I don't feel any change in me. I don't feel a thing. My period is irregular and I'm still punching people. What does that say? I've got really far with Izzat. I'm not sure what is the right next step. I'm just going to let it be. I have no idea.
-dkm
